Alternative XMen
by The-Oddish
Summary: My own little X-Men universe, it's a bit... weird. Prof. X is a hippie, for instance. Includes a lot of slash, espesh Ororo/Jean.
1. Introductions and Breakfast

The X-Men. A small, fairly unimportant team of super heroes inhabiting New York. Their aim is to become the leading crime fighters and heroes of the city--but that's not easy, with Spider-Man and Daredevil, amongst others, around.  
  
Their leader: an eccentric man known as Charles Francis Xavier, to a certain extent, a hippie. On the other hand, he is completely bald, and regularly sends his team out to beat the hell out of people. But he is well known to be completely laid back, perhaps lazy, and under the belief that everything is "radical, dude". In his opinion, his being a hippie comes before his leadership, before the fact that he is a mutant, before anything.  
  
A lead member of the team is the mutant known as Jean Grey. A beautiful redhead, single, interested currently only in meeting Spider-Man and defeating him. Her telepathic abilities have made her incredibly nosy from a young age, always tempted to have a peek at someone's thoughts, or eavesdrop from the other side of their mansion.  
  
Alongside Jean is Ororo Munroe, known often as Storm. Storm has no grievances with Spider-Man, nor any other super hero in the city, but joins the battle for popularity because she has nothing better to do--and it's rumoured there's something between her and Jean. Ororo has a temper to rival Jean's, or any other redhead's, always creating some kind of thunderstorm or tornado in her anger, destroying large areas of the city and leaving the authorities to blame vandals or terrorists to cover it up.  
  
The brains of the team come in the form of Katherine Pryde, known to her friends as Kitty (much to her annoyance) and her enemies as Shadowcat. She joined the X-Men in a hope that she could make a real difference to the world, not knowing of the petty disagreements between the superhumans of the USA. Her mutant abilities allow her to walk through solid matter, a power it never occurred to her to abuse before she met Nightcrawler, a teammate. She is a fully qualified doctor, often tempted to rejoin the profession and leave the X-Men to it.  
  
Currently, it is early morning (well, around eleven), and most of the mutants are in bed. A popular, but frankly lazy member of the team, Kurt Wagner, is asleep. He dreams of Jean, and of his breakfast, while snoring loudly enough to disturb Ororo, next door. Ororo pulls a pillow over her long white hair and groans, knowing Kurt won't quieten until he's hungry enough to get up. After a few moment pause, she throws the pillow to the floor and stretches her long, slender arms towards the ceiling. With an animal-like growl she picked up off Wolverine, she uses her power to create a large rain cloud above Kurt's bed. Then she pulls on her dressing gown and slippers and heads downstairs.  
  
On the way she notices Wolverine's door is open. Peering inside, the room is exactly as he left it before going out the night before to "beat the hell outta the Spider kid". 'Perhaps he lost,' Ororo thinks, unbothered.  
  
Kurt Wagner, known as Nightcrawler, Nightie, the Crawler Dude, Elf, and The German One to everyone, is a German mutant with a weird appearance. His tail, blue fur-coated body, three fingered hands, elf ears, and glowing yellow eyes make him easily recognisable, something he uses to his advantage. His interest in the X-Men spans as long as it takes until dinner, at which point he has interest only in what he can eat.  
  
Ororo arrives in the kitchen to find it in the same mess it was the evening before. Picking through the empty pizza boxes and fast food wrappers, she reaches the cereal but finds the fridge is devoid of milk. "Nightcrawler..." she growls to herself. And moments later, a cow some miles away finds itself flying through the air on a strong and completely unexpected wind.  
  
Ororo's breakfast was delayed for around an hour, because getting the milk proved more difficult than she'd expected. During this time, Dr Pryde returned from the local convenience store with milk, bread, butter, a bag of sugar and some kitchen roll. She'd got up around half seven that morning, with the intent of sorting out the kitchen, but discovered they were lacking on quite a few basic kitchen essentials, and had gone to get some. She'd taken her time, not keen on returning to the mess (not forgetting the smell that comes only with leaving KFC remains on the same worktop for many months).  
  
When Ororo enters the kitchen again, with a jar containing a small amount of milk, Katherine is sat at a small cleared space of the table, eating toast.  
  
"Good morning, Ororo," she says politely.  
  
"Good?" she mumbles back. "I had to milk a cow just to get some breakfast!"  
  
"You could have gone and bought some milk," Katherine replies, after swallowing a mouthful of toast.  
  
"Curses," Ororo says sharply. The cow found itself taking the second flying lesson that morning.  
  
"I've got work to do today," Katherine says, as if she hadn't heard. "There's a large amount of paperwork I need to get done before the X-Men can progress any further."  
  
Katherine bores Ororo, what with her "I'm a doctor" and "paperwork" and the general dullness of her life. Ororo finds it difficult to believe that anyone could still live without having been out clubbing and getting so drunk you'd never know who you were going home with, in the last few months. The weather witch does it often. Katherine has never done it in her life. Ororo doesn't bother to reply, and heads for the door, tripping over an empty plastic bottle and swearing loudly. She's not really a morning person. She mumbles, "We need a maid," and leaves the room. 


	2. Getting Changed

The X-Men are all busy. Ororo is still sulking over the cow incident early this morning, and somewhere over in Australia there's now a slight problem with blizzards. Katherine is at her desk, with some kind of paperwork. Kurt is still sleeping, snoring loudly again, unaware of the rain cloud over him. Jean is busy brushing her hair and putting on her makeup (again). Logan, aka Wolverine, hasn't yet returned from his little adventure last night. Ororo is now assuming her friend picked up some woman in a bar and went back to her place, and hasn't got up yet.  
  
The sixth and final member of the group, the professor (well, that's what he calls himself; it's doubtful he's a REAL professor) is apparently nowhere. Until the siren goes.  
  
The siren is incredibly loud, and irritating, and was installed to inform the X-Men they needed to get their uniforms on and get ready to go out somewhere to some kind of emergency they could help with, like when there was too much pizza at the nearest Pizza Hut.  
  
Kurt groans, and swears under his breath in German. He's just been woken from a wonderful dream involving Jean and Ororo to a loud 'BEE BEE BEE BEE BEEEEEP!" Without even bothering to sit up, he teleports down to the changing room immediately.  
  
And so Kurt is the first one there, quickly followed by Katherine, and then Ororo. Jean is nowhere to be seen.  
  
"JEAN!" Ororo yells in the general direction of upwards. "STOP PUTTING ON THAT MAKEUP AND GET DOWN HERE, NOW!"  
  
And so, a few minutes later, Jean appears. "You expect me to go out like this?" She's horrified. "I can't! I look so awful!"  
  
"Jean, Jean, Jean," Ororo says soothingly. "You look fine. Really." She's really still in a bad mood with Katherine, but she's heard Jean go on about her face before, and isn't keen on hearing it all again.  
  
While the women were arguing, Kurt is already changed, and is watching the three of them with anticipation.  
  
"Turn around, Kurt," Katherine tells him sharply. He sighs and turns to face the other wall, and then smirks when he catches sight of the mirror there.  
  
"Kurt Wagner, close your filthy yellow eyes," Ororo snaps.  
  
"Ach," Kurt complains, but does it anyway. Well, squints.  
  
"I hate these uniforms," Jean moans, as she pulls her Standard X-Men Uniform off the shelf. "They make my butt look big."  
  
Ororo stares for a moment. "Oh, it does not."  
  
Kurt can't help himself. "Nein, Jeanie, it doesn't."  
  
"Kurt!" Jean squeals. "Stop watching!"  
  
Katherine smoothes her uniform down and pulls her dark brown hair into a ponytail, glaring at the others for being so useless. Ororo is still trying to turn her trousers in the right way and Jean's fussing with her hair. Kurt is watching them through the mirror, thoroughly enjoying it.  
  
And then Xavier appears. "You're ready? Radical." He stares around. "Where's the Wolvie dude?"  
  
" 'Wolvie' went off to kill Spider-Man and never came back. Probably got arrested," Ororo answers angrily. "What is this about, Charlie?"  
  
The professor insisted they call him Charlie. He pauses. "I was a bit hungry, wanted some donuts."  
  
"You got me out of bed for your donuts?" Kurt snorts.  
  
"You can have donuts too, Crawler dude," Charlie says, hopefully. "Come on then, I'm hungry. I'll wait here. You can take the X-Van."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, Storm and Jean Grey go outside to the X-Van. The X-Van is a bit of a joke really. After Charlie spent nearly all their money on uniforms, they'd had to buy a cheap van to travel in. It's a beat-up looking white thing, a bit bashed up on one corner, and one of the lights is held on with industrial strength tape. Kurt offers to drive while the others sit in the back.  
  
"I wanna drive," Ororo insists. "I'm a better driver than you."  
  
"You're the reason half our van is held together with tape!" Jean argues. "They'll give a driver's licence to anyone these days."  
  
"You need a licence to drive?" Ororo asks incredulously. "Oops." She forgets to sulk and just looks sheepish.  
  
"Just shut up, all of you, we have a mission," Kurt says. All the women shut up and sit down, and Kurt slams his two-toed foot on the accelerator.  
  
"Do you have to ALWAYS do that?" Ororo inquires. "You'll get arrested one of these days."  
  
"That reminds me," Jean butts in. "We ought to go bail Wolvie out."  
  
Katherine tosses her ponytail. "Only if it doesn't take too long. I've got paperwork to do."  
  
There's a squeal of breaks as an old woman walking a dog steps out to cross the road. "Oops," Kurt mutters. "That was close."  
  
"It's alright," Ororo smiles. "I'll sort it out."  
  
There's a high-pitched scream as a bolt of lightning appears from nowhere and hits the woman.  
  
"That wasn't what I meant," Kurt sighs wearily.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
No old ladies were hurt in the making of this chapter!!! 


	3. The Mission

A few more near misses later (and after Ororo has been tied to her seat with industrial strength tape), our team of heroes arrive at the bakery.  
  
Kurt parks the van and they all climb out, Ororo angrily ripping at tape as she does so.  
  
"It's Nightcrawler!" someone shrieks, and a woman nearby passes out. A mob of fans attack, waving autograph books, pens, and cameras.  
  
"Always him, isn't it," Jean says jealously. "No one asks ME for my autograph."  
  
"Can I have your autograph?" Ororo asks.  
  
"No!" Jean replies sharply.  
  
"Aww..." Ororo sulks. Jean knows instantly she'll end up with terrible sunburn or something later, and decides not to care.  
  
While Nightcrawler deals with his fans, the X-Women deal with the donuts.  
  
"We want donuts," Jean informs the baker.  
  
"Girls!" The baker, George, knows them well. So many donuts he has sold them in the past. "It's-a great to see you." George is slightly Italian. "Which-a ones would you like?"  
  
"All of them," Jean shrugs. "Charlie's hungry, and 'Crawler will be too, when he's finished with that lot."  
  
" 'Crawler's always hungry," Ororo inputs.  
  
George gets busy bagging up every donut in his store. "So-a how's the superhero business going?"  
  
"Terrible," Katherine replies informatively. "The records show Spider- Man's fought twenty per cent more crime than the X-Men have, and the recent polls say even The Avengers are more popular than we are."  
  
"That's-a the way it goes," George says sadly.  
  
"We're twenty-ninth on that poll," Ororo adds, having heard Katherine's figures before.  
  
"We've moved," Katherine interrupts. "We're now thirtieth out of thirty."  
  
Ororo groans. "Everyone hates us."  
  
"I don't-a hate you," George smiles. "You beautiful girls are my best-a customers."  
  
"Thanks, George," Jean flicks her long hair flirtatiously.  
  
"Come ALONG, Jeanie," Ororo says, clearly starting to get angry. "We've got Charlie's donuts, we have to leave now." She clutches her protectively by the arm and drags her out the store, leaving Katherine to pick up the donuts, and to pay.  
  
"Don't worry about them," Katherine says. "They're just like big children, really."  
  
Meanwhile, Kurt is still signing things and having his photo taken. A small child is trying to hitch a lift on his tail. "Mein Freunden," Kurt calls. "I am very sorry, but I have to leave now. I'm on an important mission."  
  
"We love you, 'Crawler!" someone yells as Kurt opens the van doors for the women to climb in.  
  
"I love you all!" Kurt yells back, winding down the window and leaning out. "To the police station!" he calls to his team mates, his head back inside the van.  
  
Katherine glances nervously at her watch. "My schedule..."  
  
"Stuff the schedule," Ororo says. "Let's have some fun."  
  
"Fun," Katherine sniffs. "This is a very serious business, you know."  
  
Ororo snorts.  
  
The journey to the police station is a short one, but Kurt manages to have near accidents with a young couple, a businessman, and a whole line of school kids. Unfortunately, the squirrel isn't so much a near-accident as just squish. Ororo decides she isn't speaking to Kurt because of it, and then realises she isn't speaking to Katherine, or Jean either. Sulking again, she stares out of the window, not making eye contact with anyone.  
  
"Hello," says Jean when they arrive at the station. "We think our friend might be here." She giggles and flicks her hair again. Ororo glares at her. "He's so naughty sometimes."  
  
Ororo storms out the station doors and back to the van.  
  
Kurt sighs. "We'd just like to know if you've arrested our friend Logan."  
  
The woman behind the desk taps her computer with her immaculate long red nails. "Logan... Logan... and his last name?"  
  
"He doesn't have one," Katherine says, in a business-like manner.  
  
"All right then... is he hairy, got claws, doesn't like metal detectors?"  
  
"Ja, that's him," Kurt says quickly.  
  
"No, sorry then, haven't seen him in weeks."  
  
Jean mutters something unrepeatable. "Well, have you had Spider-Man's carcass dragged in here, by any chance?"  
  
The woman looks slightly shocked. "No, sorry. I mean, no. No, Spider-Man's still alive, as far as I know."  
  
"Darn."  
  
"We have to go now," Kurt informs the receptionist. He drags Jean out, Katherine following.  
  
Back in the van, Ororo is ignoring everyone still. Jean tries to get her to speak to her again, but Ororo shoves her off her lap and turns away from everyone. "Go hug the squirrel murderer," she mumbles.  
  
"Hey, I didn't mean to run it over! It just happened to be in the road at the wrong time..."  
  
"Hmph." Ororo's still not impressed.  
  
"'Ro, speak to me," Jean begs.  
  
"She loves you, 'Ro," Kurt offers.  
  
"Yes," agreed Jean. "I do. Really. Ororo, speak to me!"  
  
Ororo responded with a small lightning bolt.  
  
"Ororo, stop it! I love you!" Jean begs.  
  
Kurt slams on the breaks quickly. "Keep going, this is getting interesting now."  
  
Katherine folds her arms and stares out the window, slightly embarrassed. "Oh look, there's Logan!"  
  
Logan rips the back doors open and climbs in. "Hello, ladies... something going on?"  
  
"No," says Ororo firmly.  
  
"Yes," says Kurt, grinning.  
  
"No," says Katherine.  
  
"Yes," says Jean.  
  
BEEEEEEP! Says the horns of about twenty cars stuck behind them.  
  
"Oops," says Kurt sheepishly. "Time to move, then." He whacks the accelerator for all it's worth and the van goes flying down the street. Logan ends up on Katherine's lap. He climbs off, and she tries to look dignified about it.  
  
"Kurt Wagner, do you have to?" Ororo growls, forgetting she's not speaking to anyone except Logan.  
  
"Ja, Charlie needs his donuts!" Kurt shoves his foot harder against the accelerator. "Move, darn you! Faster!"  
  
"Uh oh, we're all gonna die," Jean mumbles.  
  
"No, we're not! I'm a great driver!" Kurt protests. "Uh oh, traffic light!"  
  
The breaks come on so fast Logan ends up in the front seat, on top of Kurt. "Oops, sorry Elf," he grins, and climbs back into the back.  
  
"I need to get back to my paperwork," Katherine says, teeth gritted. "Please."  
  
"Well, we can go a bit faster then," Kurt suggests.  
  
"Noooo!" howls Jean and Ororo together.  
  
"Crawler, you've broken the limit four times over!!! Please stop trying to kill us!" Logan says, trying not to sound scared.  
  
"It's alright, this van can't possibly go any faster," Kurt says sadly. "Unless..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ororo has never been so relieved to get home as she was now. She can hear Jean throwing up in a flowerbed. Yes, Kurt always drives that way, but not THAT fast... 


	4. Ororo's Bathroom Adventures

"Did you have a good time then?" Charlie asks, as Kurt hands him his donuts.  
  
"Ja, it was amazing," Kurt smiles. "I learnt that the X-Van can actually do 157 miles an hour!"  
  
"That's groovy, man," Charlie grins back. "Maybe one day I'll try to get my wheelchair up to that sort of speed."  
  
"We can race each other!" Kurt's seriously pleased.  
  
"You want a donut, Jean?" Charlie offers.  
  
"I'm going to be sick again," Jean gulps.  
  
"What's up with her?" Kurt asks.  
  
Charlie shrugs. "No idea. Hey, Wolvie Dude, where ya been all night?"  
  
"I went out to get the Spider kid," he begins.  
  
*FLASHBACK!*  
  
Wolverine; toughest, bravest, and hairiest of the X-Men. He sniffs the air hopefully, but the air is damp with rain and Spider-Man's too far away. He growls. He needs to get Spider-Man. For them all. For Jean, who has a bizarre reasonless hatred against the red and blue hero. For Katherine, who would love to see them move up a place on the popularity polls. For Kurt, who'd do it himself if he wasn't so lazy. For Ororo, so she'd see how amazing he was, and fall for him. For Charlie, because... well, I'm sure the old guy has his reasons. The rain's making Wolverine's job very difficult. Any scent the Spider dude leaves is washed away. There's got to be another way of hunting him down. To think like the Spider, is to find the Spider.  
  
"Where would I go," Wolverine growls softly to himself, "if I were a lame kid with a dumb costume out to keep up my popularity as a superhero?"  
  
He pauses for a moment, and then smirks. "A strip club!"  
  
*END FLASHBACK!*  
  
"Wolvie!" Ororo shudders, as his tale carries on into far more detail than any of them need to know.  
  
Charlie, however, frowns. "You went there and you didn't take me?"  
  
"It were a spontaneous thing. I didn't plan to go there. No, I didn't find Spider-Man. And yeah, there were a good reason I didn't come home last night."  
  
"That's enough," Katherine says primly. "I have to go inside and finish up my paperwork."  
  
Ororo pulls a face at her retreating back. "Logan, how could you?"  
  
"Do what, dahlin'?"  
  
Ororo growls again. Then she turns and stomps inside the mansion.  
  
"OWWW!" yells Logan, his metal skeleton suddenly frying with electricity. "ORORO!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Jean is sitting in the bath, thinking. Carefully in the air she traces a bubble-coated finger over an invisible diagram. "There's me," she says out loud. She traces an arrow through the air, and then, "there's Ororo." Another arrow, pointing away. "And Logan." She pauses, staring as if she can see it mapped out in front of her. "And then there's a dead end. And there's no arrows pointing to me."  
  
There's a knock on the door. "Jean, is that you?"  
  
"Yeah." It's Ororo's voice.  
  
"Can you hurry up? I really need to use the bathroom, you know..."  
  
Despite living in a mansion, only one bathroom is actually in any state to be used. The others have fallen into disrepair, been taken over by mould ("ewww, it's alive!" shrieked Ororo), or the plumbing just got blocked and no one's got around to fixing it.  
  
Jeans sighs. "Do I have to?" She really can't be bothered to move.  
  
"Yes! I really need to go!" Ororo squeals. Outside the door she's hopping up and down in impatience.  
  
Jean sighs again. "Can't you use one of the other ones?"  
  
And so began Ororo's Bathroom Adventures.  
  
She storms down the hallway to the closest bathroom. She opens the door warily and fumbles for the light switch. Nothing happens as she tugs it, so she pushes the door open wider to let some light in.  
  
The air tastes stale, and oddly familiar. As the light glances over everything, Ororo notices something foul and disgusting. "Ugh!" She says out loud. "Kurt's been keeping his porno magazines in here!" On closer inspection, she adds, "gay porno magazines!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
RANDOM AND IMPORTANT NOTE:  
  
A quick back-story, which I think is important now, because a reviewer named Katherine asked for something which... well, I can't give. And that is Scott. Now, here's a little story for you.  
  
There was a man named Mr Summers (and in this universe, his name is Bob). Bob worked in a chainsaw factory at one point, and one day Bob had an accident for which he sued the company for exactly 5.4 billion dollars. Now Bob was incredibly rich, but it didn't make up for the fact that his vital organs used to produce children were no longer attached to his body. His wife, Mrs Summers (let's call her Ann--British people will get the joke) got sick of his constant complaining and left him, and he went off and became a monk and donated his 5.4 billion dollars to charity. And certainly he never had any kids. Sorry.  
  
* * * * *  
  
But back to Ororo. Out of boredom while she was waiting as I told the story of Bob Summers' life, she began reading through the magazines.  
  
"Hey!" she yelps. "These aren't Kurt's! They're Logan's!" Sure enough, Logan's name was written just inside the front cover, with a note of what he'd do to anyone who read them (let's just say it involved all six claws).  
  
Ororo's worried. Everyone knows Kurt is a... well, if you want to put it that way, a pendulum, but Logan??? "Isn't anyone in this whole entire mansion straight?" Ororo asks out loud.  
  
"I am," Charlie says, wheeling past the door at just the right time. "On Thursdays, anyway. What are you doing, Ororo dude?"  
  
"Dudette," Ororo corrects him in a feminist way. "And erm, nothing. I was just looking for a bathroom I could use. Not this one, clearly."  
  
"Well, if you really need to, you could use my personal bathroom," Charlie says cautiously. "It's really groovy, but you can't tell the others about it, they'll all want to use it."  
  
Ororo follows him apprehensively, imagining what his "personal bathroom" could be like. Probably huge, with a swimming pool-like bath, a gold toilet, etc. 'And he never told me about it!' Ororo thinks grumpily.  
  
"Here it is!" Charlie says proudly, swinging the door open.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
The original plan was for Ororo to storm into the bathroom anyway, but I decided against that.  
  
And I am dedicating this chapter to Marc, for reasons he and I alone know about. So don't ask, because I'm not going to tell you why :P  
  
Oh, and QUESTIONS asked in reviews answered here:  
  
Cris-X -- yes, there will be a plot, and it'll be here in a few chapters, and it's really good. That's what I think, anyway.  
  
Katherine -- As I explained above, no, sorry, I hate Scott, in this universe we are saved from the plague that is Cyclops. If you want a fic about the Cyke dude though, read my Many Deaths of Scott Summers.  
  
Evilerk -- Kitty and Logan??? Interesting concept... actually I'm possibly working towards Kurt and Logan, but since I have Ororo and Logan and also Jean and Ororo, well, I don't see why not.  
  
wOLF -- Here's some more. And there's more to come, too!!! A whole lot more...  
  
King Doom -- There's a new character in the next chapter, and I'm thinking of adding a few more later on.  
  
TROJjER -- Xavier is a hippie because he is insane and bald. End of. Do not question my logic!!! Lol. 


	5. Magneto Enters

Meanwhile, a stranger is walking up the gravel path, his red shoes crunching as he goes. Well, he's currently a stranger to you as the reader, because I haven't introduced him yet, but he's no stranger to Charlie.  
  
Jean was getting thoroughly sick of constantly having to let in one of Charlie's old friends and finding them somewhere to stay. Or, more than anything (since more often than not they were quite happy to share Charlie's room) finding them something to eat, a near impossible task.  
  
She's in the kitchen, as it happens, when the doorbell rings. She was trying to find the necessary ingredients for a sandwich (bread, for instance) in the mess that is the X-Kitchen, but as the doorbell rings, she climbs carefully over a mysterious looking green stain on the floor and goes to let them in.  
  
Charlie's old friend is clearly impatient, because he thumps the doorbell several times until it goes "clunk" and gives up, at which point he just beats the door with his fist.  
  
"I'M COMING!" Jean yells, just as Katherine yells, "Can someone please answer that?"  
  
Angrily, she rips the door open to reveal a grey-haired man dressed entirely in red and black (except his socks are orange, and clash HORRIBLY, Jean thinks). Jean giggles. Anger forgotten, she turns to automatic flirt- mode. Okay, so he must be about seventy, but Jean doesn't care much. "Hiya," she says uselessly.  
  
"I'm looking for Professor Xavier," he says coldly.  
  
"Who are you?" Jean enquires, not so stupid that she'd let a total stranger into the house.  
  
"I am the one they call Magneto." And with that, he strides into the house.  
  
"Nutter," Jean mumbles when he's out of hearing range.  
  
Charlie, sensing something important is happening (after all, he IS psychic, you know), brings himself down to the ground floor, leaving Ororo in his private bathroom, and greets Magneto.  
  
"Maggie dude!" He grins. "Long time no see!"  
  
"Charlie dude!" Magneto returns. "I've been very busy, having children and so on."  
  
"That must be a LOT of fun," Charlie says enthusiastically. "What did you call them?"  
  
"There's Pietro. And a daughter of mine who is insane, so I never talk about her."  
  
"Pietro... why didn't you call him Charlie?" Charlie looks indignant.  
  
"I'll call my next child Charlie if you die before me," Magneto says.  
  
"Radical."  
  
And upstairs, Ororo is in the "private bathroom". Which looks basically, like the other bathroom, only with more hippie posters on the walls. Ororo is irritated by the lack of gold toilet, bathtub, taps, etc, but uses it anyway.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Now it's evening, and all the X-Men have assembled in the TV room to spend the evening with "Maggie dude".  
  
"These are my kids, in a way," Charlie explains. "This is Crawler dude, and Wolvie dude, that's Ororo dudette, and Jeanie dude, and Kitty."  
  
"Katherine," Katherine corrects him.  
  
Charlie shrugs. "Yeah, that. Anyway, Maggie, they're my little team of superheroes. Go out and save people's lives, that sorta stuff."  
  
"Actually," Katherine couldn't help inputting, "the last life we're supposed to have saved was nearly three years ago, and I can't help thinking that if we hadn't have run that cat over first, there would have been no reason to have to take it to A&E department at the local vet's."  
  
"Well, you have a good time," Charlie says, unfazed by fact. "What was it Crawler dude said this morning? A hundred and fifty-seven miles an hour, he managed, in that van of ours."  
  
Magneto looks worried. "Isn't it dangerous to drive that fast? You could really hurt someone."  
  
Charlie has a look of utter disappointment on his face. "Maggie, what happened to world domination and all that?"  
  
"Oh, that. My psychiatrist said that's bad for my health."  
  
"Oh, boring. Do you have any new hobbies, then?"  
  
"Well, actually I've taken up knitting," Magneto admits. "It's very relaxing. The doctor says I need to relax more, because of my blood pressure."  
  
"I've started wheelchair racing," Charlie explains. "And sometimes me and Crawler dude have eating competitions. And of course, I have a lot of plans to take down Spider-Man."  
  
Magneto is thoughtful for a moment. "Have you ever thought of kidnapping him?"  
  
Charlie's face breaks into a grin. "That's perfect! You're great Maggie, really you are."  
  
"Well," Magneto tries to look modest, "I do try."  
  
Katherine is thinking hard. "Where do you plan to find Spider-Man? So far, our luck on finding him has not been good. I know Ororo thinks she saw him, but she also claims to have seen penguins on that particular night out."  
  
"It was a pelican," Ororo argues.  
  
Katherine coughs. "Anyway, the point is, it's almost as if someone's informed him we were coming and told him to hide."  
  
Everyone looks round at each other and eventually all gazes fall on Katherine.  
  
"It wasn't me," Katherine says firmly.  
  
Jean snorts in disbelief. "Well, I know it wasn't me or Ororo, Kurt's too lazy to do that, and Logan wants Spidey dead. And Charlie wouldn't tell him."  
  
"Whoever it was it was an inside job," Ororo says importantly, not entirely sure what that actually means but hopeful all the same that people will think she's smart.  
  
"Duh," says Katherine, a momentary switch of speech style leaving her with only Ororo-type things to say.  
  
"Unless it vas a spy," Kurt says cheerfully. "I bet it vas a spy."  
  
"Absolutely, Crawler Dude," Charlie says. He's a big fan of any kind of conspiracy. "We must be being stalked. Everyone, get changed and into the X- Van! We must find this stalker, and Spider-Man-Dude too!" 


	6. Catching Spidey

Magneto and Charlie take themselves out to the X-Van, and Kurt, Logan, Ororo, Jean, and Katherine make their way down to the changing room.  
  
"He's absolutely wrong," Katherine says confidently to no one in particular as they head down the stairs. "There's no one stalking us, there couldn't be."  
  
"At least we don't have to make no more small talk with Maggie," Logan growls. "I couldn't take much more o' that."  
  
"I wonder if it's a cute stalker?" Jean babbles on.  
  
They reach the changing room door at the bottom of the stairs (it's in the basement), which is aptly labelled, "Changing Room".  
  
"Anyone got the key?" Logan asks.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Oh, that's alright then, cuz I've got it." Logan shoves the key firmly in the lock.  
  
"Ha ha, Volvie dude," Kurt says sarcastically, not impressed.  
  
"Here you go, ladies," Logan says firmly, sweeping Kurt out of the way and holding him back to let the "ladies" past.  
  
"Ach! Let go of my tail, Logan!" Kurt complains.  
  
"Quit whingin', Blue Boy. I'm getting a lust for blood now."  
  
While the X-Men get changed, Charlie and Magneto sit in the X-Van. Magneto is knitting himself a long black and red scarf and Charlie is happily babbling to himself about conspiracies, under the (wrong) impression Maggie is listening.  
  
Charlie is about to start on about his great theory of the Banana Conspiracy when his X-Men, dressed in their expensive uniforms, appear. Without a word from any of them, Wolvie rips open the doors at the back of the van and they all climb in.  
  
Charlie is sat proudly in the driver's seat. "Yes!" he cries triumphantly. "I get to drive!"  
  
"I NEVER get to drive!" Ororo protests.  
  
Katherine tuts to herself.  
  
"Where are we going to look, Charlie?" Jean enquires. "I mean, how is this different from any other time?"  
  
"While you wasted time getting changed," Charlie says, unaware of the fact that he told them to get changed, "Maggie dude came up with an amazing idea. So amazing, it might even put us up to twenty-ninth out of thirty on the Superhero Intelligence chart."  
  
"Actually," Katherine butts in, "we already are twenty-ninth. Captain America is below us, simply for the reason that when you're frozen in ice, you don't tend to have amazing brainwave scans."  
  
"Well, anyway, Maggie Dude's idea is that I use my telepathy to find Spider-Dude. Isn't that clever?"  
  
Kurt secretly thinks it is, but since no one else says anything he doesn't either.  
  
* * * * *  
  
It is some time later and the X-Men have driven around in several big circles as Charlie insists he's found him this time. But every time there's no sign of the Spider, and no real sign of any stalkers.  
  
Charlie slams on the breaks. "Hey! You see that woman over there?"  
  
Everyone turns to the windows, peering out at a frail old woman with a walking stick.  
  
"She is the stalker. I'd bet anything on it." Charlie grins. "She has to be, look at her."  
  
"No, Charlie," Logan growls. "I don't think so, somehow. Keep looking."  
  
There's a sudden flicker of shadow overhead. Seven heads look up as one and Jean and Logan yelp, "Spider-Man!" in unison.  
  
"Follow that radioactive dude!" Charlie cries. "Oh, right, I'm driving." He hits the accelerator at a speed that impresses Kurt and they begin their stalking trail.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Some hours later. It's now nearly half ten, and Katherine feels about ready to get home and go to bed. They've been following Spider-Man all over the city, sometimes coming close enough to almost run him over when he's near the ground and other times losing sight of him all together.  
  
But now he's come to a rest inside a large mansion.  
  
"We know where he lives!" Charlie howls excitedly.  
  
"No we don't, Charlie," Ororo says, with some sarcasm. "We know where we live. This is OUR house."  
  
"Either way, the Spider's in our web now," Charlie replies importantly. "Ha, don't you think that was a great pun?"  
  
"No," replies Jean honestly.  
  
"Well, quit arguing with me and get inside and get him!"  
  
This will prove harder than expected.  
  
Logan, Jean, Ororo, Katherine and Kurt crowd around the front door. Spider- Man flew in through one of the open upstairs bedroom windows but times call for a more conventional entrance for the X-Men.  
  
Logan pops his claws ready and sniffs. "Everyone split up. If you find him, yell like hell."  
  
All five of them take separate directions. Katherine glides through the walls in the hope of surprising him. Kurt teleports in and out of every room, scanning the darkness with his glowing yellow eyes, and then going to the next one. Logan uses his heightened senses to hunt down his prey. Jean attempts to sense him with her mind, and Ororo... Ororo just peers around doorframes in the hope that someone else will find him before her. Not one of them bothers to put the light on.  
  
This is probably why Ororo and Jean walk straight into each other. "Waaaaaaaarrrghhhhhh!"  
  
Jean recovers quicker. "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Same thing as you. Screaming like hell because someone just walked into me."  
  
The two lean against a wall to rest and relax their nerves a little when a second scream echoes down the corridor.  
  
Logan, hearing two different sets of screams, is confused. "They can't both have got the kid... unless there's TWO of Spider-Man... oh, that cheating piece of scum!" He runs in the general direction of Jean and Ororo's screams.  
  
Katherine, having found Spider-Man, had done as Wolverine had said and "yelled like hell". However, no one was coming to her aid. Fine, she figures. Well, I'll do it myself then.  
  
Katherine had been known to be pretty good at kicking butt when she felt like it, and she guesses now is a pretty good time to show that off once again. Only... how to trap him??? The two superheroes stare at each other across the room, which happens to be Logan's bedroom. They size each other up cautiously. Katherine is backed up against a wall. Spider-Man shoots a strand of web at her, expecting to trap her, but she leans back and phases straight through the wall, leaving him stuck to the wall by webbing for just long enough for Katherine to come back and get around and kick him from behind.  
  
Spider-Man gives a groan of pain and falls to the ground. Katherine, sensing victory, pulls over a conveniently-placed bookcase on top of him, making him unable to move. "WOLVER-RIIINE!" Katherine yells.  
  
Logan, Kurt, Ororo and Jean are all standing around, still getting over the shock of having walked, run, or teleported into each other. "Kitty needs our help!" Logan cries. All five wander towards Wolvie's bedroom.  
  
"I got him I got him I got him!" Katherine squeals. "I did it, I did it, I did it! I caught him!"  
  
Spider-Man, lying pathetically on his back, looks up at them. "She cheated," he groans. "But it's nice to meet you. Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Jean Grey, and Storm, I believe?"  
  
There are polite nods and agreeable noises. But Katherine gives a shriek of recognition. "I know that voice!"  
  
Spider-Man groans again. "I'm sorry, Kathy."  
  
"Peter Parker!" she pulls his mask off. "What are you doing pretending to be Spider-Man?"  
  
"I AM Spider-Man, Kathy," Spider-Man sighs. "But I'm also Peter Parker, and that's... that's how I always knew when you were looking for me."  
  
Katherine leans forward and slaps Peter round the face. There are gasps all round.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry," Katherine says tartly. "But I told him that I was Shadowcat, I had a right to know this!" She pauses. "Oh, and Peter? You're dumped."  
  
Jean looks hurt. "You never told me you had a boyfriend. And you certainly never told me he was Spider-Man."  
  
Before Katherine gets a chance to give a smart reply, Logan drags the bookcase off of Spider-Man and ties him up with some handy string that happened to be in his pocket. "We're kidnapping you," Logan announces.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Even I didn't know that was going to happen. I'm sure someone did, but I didn't.  
  
Any preferences for future added characters, anyone? 


	7. Pole Dancing

By the time they arrive by the X-Van, Wolverine is in a really bad mood. Jean has been carrying Spider-Man using her telekinetic abilities, so he hasn't had to do anything and there hasn't been even a whiff of spilt blood.  
  
"We got him," Ororo says cheerfully.  
  
"Duh," Jean comments.  
  
"Yay," Charlie cheers. Then he stops. "What do we do with him now?"  
  
Logan grunts in reply.  
  
"What's up with him?" Ororo asks Jean in a hushed whisper.  
  
"Well," she answers importantly, "Katherine's bruised his male ego, and now he probably feels really weak and useless. Not to mention the fact that he's desperate to get at some of Spidey's blood."  
  
Spider-Man tries to shuffle as far away from Logan as possible. Logan just growls at Jean and lights up a cigar. "What do we do now?"  
  
"We have to keep the Spider dude somewhere were he can't escape and can't be rescued, and announce to the world that he will never be seen again, and so we will take his place on all the popularity polls. Kitty, you're good at writing letters, you can do it. Write to a good magazine and tell them."  
  
Katherine sighs. "Okay."  
  
* * * * *  
  
'To the kind editor of Superhero Monthly,  
  
Please print the following article, as it is highly important to the Superhero community and the world in general. You do not have to pay us but we are a little short of money right now so we would appreciate a large cheque, quite a lot. Thank you.  
  
Prof. Charles F. Xavier and the X-Men.'  
  
The article looks like this:  
  
'An important announcement. Perhaps you have been wondering why you haven't heard from your favourite superhero, Spider-Man, recently? There is a good reason for it. We (the X-Men) have kidnapped him. Yes, that's right, the unbeatable has been beaten, which means we take his place on all the statistics! And perhaps now you're wondering who Spider-Man really is. It's time to end the rumours, because I can tell you that he is Peter Parker! Yes, that pathetic useless man is Spider-Man. We're going to be the best superheroes of all time, now he's not there to stop us. As my friend Kurt Wagner says, "ich bin eine Stangetänzerin."  
  
By Dr Katherine Pryde aka Shadowcat, of the X-Men.'  
  
'Good enough,' Katherine thinks. 'Not so formal that complete morons (The Avengers come to mind) can't understand it, and with a hint of revenge for one Peter Parker. And just a tiny bit to show my intelligence, both the foreign language and the doctor part.'  
  
* * * * *  
  
It's a normal day at the X-Mansion. It's Ororo's turn to throw a bucket of scraps down the basement to Peter Parker. Magneto woke up in Charlie's bed this morning, and calmly drank coffee in the kitchen discussing the night before with his old friend. Kurt's in bed. The mail's just come--but there's an abnormally large number of envelopes with his name on it (about forty percent of them are spelt wrongly). Katherine takes the mail up to him, knowing he'll never read it otherwise.  
  
"Morning Kurt!" she says cheerfully, pulling the curtains open. "You got a few letters." She dumps the letters on his quilt and watches him struggle to wake up, sitting on the chair next to his bed.  
  
"Ach, nein," he groans. "Okay..." He sits up. Katherine reminds herself not to stare at him despite the fact that he isn't wearing a shirt. Possibly not anything on the bottom either, she thinks to herself, giggling inwardly. On the outside she just says, "So who are they from?"  
  
He opens the first one. "Erm..." Under the fur on his cheeks, his skin is turning slightly pink. "It's an invite to join a... club."  
  
"Club?" Katherine looks at him, confused.  
  
"It's called..." Kurt tried not to look embarrassed. "Pole dancers of the USA Unite."  
  
"Pole dancers?" Katherine tries to look disapproving but instead ends up snorting with laughter.  
  
"And this one is from the American branch of German Adult Entertainment videos."  
  
Katherine tries to regain a little dignity and holds back the laughter.  
  
"They want me to star in their next film! They want to call it, 'Male Pole dancers'!"  
  
Katherine almost falls off the chair laughing. "Why are they sending you this?"  
  
"Because I..." Kurt looks down at his blue quilt cover. "I told them--'ich bin eine Stangetänzerin'."  
  
"Ich spreche nicht Deutsch," she says impatiently. It's worth noting this is the only German she knows, so technically, it is true.  
  
"It means, 'I am a pole dancer'." Kurt looks guilty now.  
  
"You told me to put that in my article!" Katherine squeals angrily. "You wanted them to think it was me!"  
  
"It was a joke," Kurt says nervously. He's seen Katherine angry before-- namely a week or so ago, when she slapped Peter Parker around the face. "I thought it would be funny, that's all."  
  
"Hmph." Then she stops and bursts out laughing again. "Pole dancing! Oh, you have to tell Charlie about that!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Life is not so happy for Peter Parker, sat in the basement of the X- Mansion in his underpants with a few buckets for company. "How could they steal my uniform?" he wails to himself. "I made it myself, too!" 


	8. Rogue Joins The XMen

But aside from Spidey. All the X-Men are busy. Charlie and Magneto (now an honorary X-Man) are busy playing chess, Charlie trying to cheat and Maggie complaining it's a stupid game anyway. Katherine and Kurt are having an in depth, intelligent conversation about American vs. German pole dancers, Jean is cleaning out her wardrobe, and Ororo is watching her. Logan is polishing his claws and watching TV.  
  
Jean is throwing clothes out of her wardrobe at an alarming rate, occasionally screeching, "how could I ever buy THAT?" Ororo is sat on Jean's bed, watching and occasionally catching clothes headed in her direction. The two of them made up soon after they caught Spider-Man, about a week ago. The two of them became good friends, and soon after more than good friends, and now they've got to where we are now--spring cleaning.  
  
"What the...?" Jean stares at the item she just pulled out of the back of her wardrobe. "When did I buy a grass skirt?"  
  
"Charlie bought it for you in Hawaii," Ororo answers.  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Logan's just putting the polish away when the doorbell rings. He growls to himself at the inconvenience because he knows everyone is busy, and he's not, so he'll have to answer it. He yanks open the front door to find a youngish woman on the doorstep.  
  
"Oh, you're not one of Charlie's old friends then," Logan says, quite thankful.  
  
"No," she shakes her head slowly, confused. "Ah came to see Professor Xavier?"  
  
"Charlie," Logan corrects her. "You've never met him, then?"  
  
"Ah've read some of his papers," she offers.  
  
"You mean Katherine's papers with Charlie's name on the bottom," Logan explains. He gives her a funny look. "Is your hair naturally streaked white, or is it dye?"  
  
"It's natural," she says, annoyed that he had to ask. "Can I come in then?"  
  
"Wait a minute. I can't just go letting any old person in."  
  
"Ah," she says, not meaning I, but meaning ah. "But you like me."  
  
"No, I don't." He sniffs. "There's something funny about you."  
  
"Oh, yeah, Ah guess there is. Ah used to be a man."  
  
"Right. Okay then, well, in that case I'll tell Charlie you called. Goodbye."  
  
And with that, Logan closes the door and collapses to the ground. And sniffs in a pathetic unmanly way. "How could Ororo leave me for another woman?" he asks himself out loud, because the X-Men all like to talk to themselves. "And for Jean!" There used to be a "thing" between Jean and Logan, but that was before Jean decided she "swung both ways" (Logan was still upset that she announced that right after they broke up). And Ororo!!! Okay, so he wasn't even that keen on her really, but for Jean!!! Unless... "hey, maybe it could be quite entertaining," Logan ponders to himself.  
  
"Excuse ME!" the girl with the white streaked hair yells through the door. "Open the door or Ah'll bust it down myself!"  
  
Logan, who is still sat on the floor, yells, "I'd like to see you try!"  
  
So she rips the door off its hinges and steps over Logan into the mansion. "Thanks."  
  
"Cow!" Logan mutters to himself. "Stupid, stinking, good for nothing mutant heshe."  
  
"Ah resent that," the girl yelled. "An' Ah'm Rogue, by the way."  
  
Xavier and Maggie appear at the end of the corridor. "What's going on, Wolverine?" Maggie asks, looking concerned.  
  
"This nutjob just hit me over the head with the front door," Logan groans. "Can't we have one visitor who doesn't break something on the way in?"  
  
"You wouldn't let me in!" Rogue argues back. "Ah wouldn'ta broken it if you'd just let me in!"  
  
"Settle down, children," sighs Maggie, ignoring the fact that Logan is older than he is and Rogue is at least twenty. "No fighting. You should all get along."  
  
"Please Lord," Logan mumbles under his breath. "Please not the Barney song again..."  
  
"What's going on then?" Charlie asks. "Who're you?"  
  
"Ah'm Rogue. Ah came to join your team of mutant superheroes. Ah used to be a man, you know."  
  
"Groovy," Charlie replies enthusiastically. "You'd make a great member of our team! What can you do?"  
  
"Ah can touch people an' kill them, an' Ah can fly, oh an' Ah have superhuman strength."  
  
"Yes!" Charlie shrieks. "You're perfect!!! We'll take you. Now me can beat all the other superheroes and kick them outta town!" He pauses to catch his breath. "Wolvie Dude, find an empty bedroom and give it to Rogue. Rogue, go with the Wolvster. Oh, and find 'Crawler Dude and get him to carry Rogue's bag up for her."  
  
"'CRAAAWLER!" Logan yells. "GET YER BUTT DOWN HERE!"  
  
Bamf! "Boo," says Kurt. "Vas do you want?" He's wearing only his boxer shorts and an old t-shirt. "I was in the middle of a sehr important conversation with Katherine!"  
  
Rogue thrusts her bag at him. "Take this to mah room," she demands. "Wolvie'll show you where it is."  
  
Logan snorts but does as he's told. He stomps up the stairs, Rogue behind him, and Kurt behind her with the bag.  
  
"Aww, this is so exciting!" Rogue squeals. "Ah always wanted to be a superhero!!! Back in Mississippi, everyone said Ah'd never become anything, but Ah'll be an X-Man! Well, an X-Woman. Well, Ah'll be a bit of both."  
  
Apart from being worried about his masculinity at this moment, Logan is quite disturbed about Rogue's openness about her sex change. "Do you really NEED to keep reminding me you used to be a man?"  
  
"Yes, Ah do. You might forget otherwise."  
  
"Not much chance of that," Logan mutters. "Anyway, this is your room. Might need a bit of clearing out, but I'm sure you can manage that." He throws the door open to display the room where Jean's been keeping her old clothes, Kurt his old porn magazines, and where Ororo put the blender after she broke it during an argument with Kurt. The bed's buried somewhere under a pile of TV guides, and the roller blades Charlie used before he became wheelchair-bound are in front of the wardrobe.  
  
"Uh, thanks," Rogue says weakly.  
  
Kurt dumps her bag on the floor by the door. "There you go, Fraulein. Must go. Tschüs!" And with that he gave a bamf and left.  
  
"Jeez, that dude stinks," Rogue says, coughing. "Does he always do that when he disappears?"  
  
"Yeah," Logan shrugs. "You get used to it." Actually, Logan finds it quite attractive. But he isn't going to tell Rogue that.  
  
"Oh, right. Well, go then. Ah want to get unpacked."  
  
"I'm going, don't worry," Logan shoots back. 


	9. Revelations

Magneto bangs on Jean's door. Jean and Ororo jump about a foot in the air and break apart, quickly. The door swings open and Maggie is stood there, holding a basket full of dirty clothes. "Hi! I'm just doing some washing, got anything you want..." He stops. "All this stuff on the floor, right?"  
  
"No! Well, everything except that dress. That's dry-clean only."  
  
"Oh, right." He starts picking up clothes and putting them in the basket.  
  
"Are you wearing an apron?" Jean enquires.  
  
"Yes," says Maggie, with dignity. And he is. It's red with a black trim.  
  
"Fair enough," Jean replies, knowing what Charlie's worn in the past, which in comparison doesn't make Maggie's apron seem so bad.  
  
"I'm going to go and put this washing on, and then I'll go make dinner for us all," Maggie announces.  
  
"Can you cook?" Ororo asks nosily.  
  
"Don't know, never tried before," Maggie says airily. "We'll soon find out!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Maggie's cooking. Well, his idea of cooking. He found a recipe book Jean bought Ororo for Christmas one year as a joke, in Rogue's room when she was clearing out, and now he's got it open on a random page, which happens to be shepherd's pie. "Easy," he says with a grin. "There's no need to follow the recipe exactly, of course, as long as it LOOKS right it'll be okay. Now what do I need?"  
  
Jean sticks her head around the door and gasps. "You've cleaned the kitchen!"  
  
"How on earth was I supposed to cook in the mess you left it in??? I've cleaned the whole place out. And I chucked out the mysterious green thing in the back of the fridge."  
  
"Ororo will KILL you!" Jean shrieks. "That was her experiment!"  
  
"Experiment or not, it was extremely unhygienic."  
  
"And majorly difficult to hide from Katherine," Jean adds. "She'd go mad if she found it."  
  
"What did it used to be?" Maggie asks nervously.  
  
"Pizza. I think." Jean pauses. "Or was it? After two or three years it became pretty unrecognisable."  
  
"Alright. Well, I'm busy here, so if you don't mind..."  
  
Jean leaves promptly, before Maggie can throw a spoon at her. She's just on her way into the sitting room to watch TV with Ororo when she hears a scream from upstairs.  
  
"What, what, what, what, what?" Jean shrieks, bounding up the stairs two at a time and yanking open Katherine's door. "What happened?"  
  
Katherine is sat at her computer, gasping for breath. "I was--I was checking our status on the popularity polls. And they've done this month's vote, and we've been pushed out of Spider-Man's place right to the bottom again!"  
  
"At least we'll be twenty-ninth now." Jean shrugs optimistically.  
  
"No!" Katherine yelps. "No, we're not, because they've unfrozen Captain America!"  
  
"No," Jean says, disbelieving and shaking her head. "No, no, no, no, no. They can't have done."  
  
"We need a team meeting," Katherine says gravely.  
  
* * * * *  
  
And so everyone's gathered in the changing rooms for a meeting. Kurt, Jean, Ororo and Katherine are sat on a bench, Logan and Maggie are sat on the floor, and Charlie has his wheelchair next to the bench. Rogue is perched on a chair near Kurt.  
  
"We are in so much trouble," Katherine sighs. "We've kidnapped Peter, ruined my relationship with him, then I hit him round the face, and for what? Only to find ourselves back in the same position we were before!" She breaks down and sobs.  
  
"Es ist okay," Kurt says, putting his arm around her. "Katherine, don't cry..." He hands her a tissue.  
  
Logan sighs. "So what's happened?"  
  
"They unfroze Captain America!" Jean yells. "After twenty years, they unfroze him!!! How could they??? Oh, my life is OVER!"  
  
"Wait." Logan stares at her. "They unfroze Captain America?"  
  
"Yes!" she squeals woefully.  
  
And suddenly, Logan starts to remember something. Something from long ago. A war. A war, and planes, and a concentration camp. Him and someone else. Him and... oh, hell, it was Captain America, wasn't it???  
  
Logan swears loudly and unpleasantly. "I used to work with the Captain!" he growls. "In world war two!"  
  
"Groovy!" says Charlie.  
  
"Yeah, and that's not all. Me and him, we were--" He stops. "Close friends," he finishes lamely.  
  
"Oh my god, Logan's a pendulum!" Jean shrieks.  
  
"I already knew that," Ororo says in a ha-ha-I-knew-that-and-you-didn't sort of way.  
  
"In those days I wasn't a pendulum, I was fully and properly a--" He stops again.  
  
"Logan's gay, Logan's gay," Rogue sings.  
  
"You're a heshe!" Logan argues back.  
  
"For goodness sake, we're ALL gay," Maggie says with a sigh. He's still wearing his apron, having been interrupted while cooking. "Well, except Katherine."  
  
Everyone turns to look at her. "No, I'm sorry..." she looks embarrassed. "I've only ever been attracted to men." She looks at her hands.  
  
"Wait!" Logan yells. "Ororo, how did you know?"  
  
"I found your--I mean, I uhm, guessed."  
  
"Ororo Munroe, I am going to rip off your hands and use them to gouge out your eyeballs so I can stuff them where the sun don't shine so you can watch me kick the hell outta you!"  
  
"I'll let you watch me and Jean together if you don't murder me," Ororo says with a slight grin.  
  
Logan growls. "Alright, you win. But don't ever read my magazines again."  
  
"Can we get back to the point, please?" Katherine asks, after blowing her nose one last time. "What are we going to do about our situation?"  
  
"Go out an' do the superhero slash vigilante bit an' kill bad guys?" Rogue suggests.  
  
"You can tell she's new at this," Jean says. "That's too much work, duh!"  
  
"Well, how do you do it?" Rogue snorts huffily.  
  
"Sabotage, sabotage, and more sabotage!" Ororo says proudly. "Oh, and ignoring housework because you don't have time for it. And abusing your powers to sneak into the cinema for free."  
  
Rogue shakes her head. "Ah thought we were here to stop corrupt villains."  
  
"I got no idea who told you that, but they're up their eyeballs in delusion," Logan says sadly. "We're the corrupted ones. Just look at Ororo."  
  
"Hey!" Ororo snaps. "That's not fair, Wolvie."  
  
"I was just using you as an example. It was your idea, after all, to use Katherine' and Kurt's powers to sneak into seven films all in the same day."  
  
Ororo thinks for a moment. "Yes, but you got Kurt and Katherine to go into the bank to get you a 'loan'!!!"  
  
"Children, children," interrupts Maggie, "you could argue about who robbed a bank until the cows come home. But I have work to do, or no one'll be getting any dinner. Now, if you don't mind..." And with a swish of his apron he turns and heads up the stairs back to the kitchen.  
  
"So is that all you do?" Rogue asks. "Ah mean, do you just go round New York committing horrendously illegal crimes?"  
  
"Pretty much," Kurt says. "Although we do go on missions occasionally. Emergency doughnut runs and so on."  
  
"An' you wonder why you're not popular?" Rogue cries. "You need to be keeping the law, not breaking it! Working hard on your own work, not sabotaging others!"  
  
All the remaining X-Men look at each other. "Why on earth didn't I think of that?" Charlie questions.  
  
"Because it's stupid, duh," Ororo says lazily.  
  
"No, I think it could really work," Jean says surprising everyone, especially herself. Katherine nods in agreement. "I say we try being proper superheroes for a week! Who's in?"  
  
Kurt and Logan just look at each other. Katherine and Jean raise their hands, and after a moment's hesitation, so does Ororo. Rogue mumbles, "it was mah plan!" and then raises her own hand. Charlie shakes his head.  
  
"Come on, Charlie! It's only for a week!" Jean insists.  
  
"It'll be so much WORK!" Charlie howls. "Alright, alright, for one week only."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---  
  
I can't take complete credit for the plot now. Thank you muchly to wOLF, who gave me this review: "Do something really weird to him like making him eat magneto's food". It was very inspiring and now Magneto's a cook. And will they be feeding it to Spidey??? Well, that depends on how badly it turns out...  
  
Oh, and I will do another Scott-Death chapter ASAP. I'm just enjoying this fic!!! 


	10. Kurt and Katherine get it together

It's later. Maggie's still cooking, and Ororo and Jean are making a schedule for the week. Rogue's watching them and Charlie's in his private bathroom, sulking. Logan's in his bedroom, sulking. Katherine and Kurt are watching TV together, talking.  
  
"So, in German," Kurt explains, "you say--"  
  
Katherine cuts him off. "Kurt, do you have to talk so much?"  
  
"You SAID you wanted me to teach you German!" Kurt says, irritated.  
  
"I lied," she replies casually. "This is nice though, isn't it?"  
  
"Vas ist?"  
  
"Just me, and you, alone..." Katherine shuffles a few inches along the sofa closer to Kurt.  
  
"Erm, ja," Kurt agrees. "Gut. Toll."  
  
Katherine giggles, not bothering to ask him to translate. "So did you ever write back to the pole dancing associations?"  
  
"Ja, ein," Kurt sighs. "I want to try it, once, at least."  
  
"Great!" Katherine says happily. "Can I watch?"  
  
Kurt jumps. The exact words going through his mind at that moment had been, "I wonder if Wolvie can come and watch?" But he nods at Katherine, who squeals with glee, and then goes back to watching the television screen.  
  
"Katherine?" he glances at her. "Vhy are ve vatching... vhatever this is?"  
  
Katherine pauses for a moment to try and work out what Kurt's just said. German accents can be REALLY annoying sometimes, she thinks to herself. But she thinks it's cute too, so she can't argue. Instead she takes her eyes off Kurt's fur and on to the television where a woman is running screaming out of a theatre, a great big lump of what looks like blackcurrant jelly chasing after her.  
  
"It's some old fifties movie called 'The Blob'," she announces, after consulting the TV guide.  
  
"It sucks," Kurt says, watching as hundreds of people run from the jelly. The jelly slurps up a dog as it goes.  
  
"Maybe people scared easier in the fifties," she offers. "Maybe if Logan carries on getting his memory back, we can ask him. Or ask Charlie or Maggie." She sniffs the air. "Talking of Maggie, wasn't he supposed to be cooking? Not burning the mansion down?"  
  
"Ja," Kurt answers. "Aber that smells like smoke."  
  
"Smells like your fur," Katherine offers. She buries her nose in Kurt's arm. "Actually, I like that fresh bamf smell. It's so..." She searches for the right word and can only come up with one. "Kurt."  
  
Kurt's not sure whether that's a compliment or not. But they begin talking about "that fresh bamf smell" and forget all about the potential kitchen disaster Maggie's cooking up.  
  
"All those brimstone type smells," Katherine continues, "They remind me of you." She sighs deeply.  
  
"Everyone else says it stinks..." Kurt says miserably. "Rogue did. It was after I bamfed off but I still heard her." He wonders why he cares more what Rogue thinks than what Katherine thinks.  
  
Katherine almost opens her mouth and says, 'Logan doesn't', but changes her mind at the last minute. "Well I like it." She shuffles up to Kurt so close she's almost in his lap. Kurt tries to shuffle a long a bit in the other direction but finds himself on the edge of the sofa already.  
  
"Kurt..." Katherine begins, as if about to ask a question. "I..." she stops.  
  
"Vas?" Kurt asks, afraid of hearing the answer.  
  
"No, nothing," Katherine says hurriedly. "Really." There's a long silence. "Kurt... you want to, erm, go out for a pizza or something, sometime? Tomorrow night, maybe?"  
  
Uh oh. Conflict of thoughts. Yes, Kurt wants pizza. Kurt loves pizza. A date with Katherine he's not so sure about, but it's pizza! Alright, yes then. "Ja, okay."  
  
Katherine grins. "Great! If you wanted we could maybe see a movie as well."  
  
"Can we have popcorn?" Kurt suggests hopefully.  
  
"Yeah, why not?" Katherine shrugs, happily. Kurt's just happy about the promise of junk food.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Maggie's dinner for the X-Team mysteriously disappeared, so it was once again takeaway pizza for them all. There was a short argument over the pizza, and they ended up with seven different pizzas. Kurt ate most of them. Now it's two am, and nearly everyone is asleep, except Katherine who has an important article to finish for a one-off magazine called "New York's Most Unpopular Superheroes".  
  
"And so," she types, "we would be far more popular if there weren't scheming, cheating, dirty rotten down right evil superheroes out there like". She pauses. Like who? Ah. "Daredevil." She hits save and then switches her laptop off, and drags herself into bed.  
  
She falls asleep almost instantly, having tired herself out finishing that article for tomorrow. Never mind. She can sleep easy now, not knowing of the lawsuits that are bound to come flying her way soon as a result of calling Daredevil a "scheming, cheating, dirty rotten downright evil superhero".  
  
Or she would be able to sleep easy. There's a loud bamf and the room suddenly stinks of sulphur, not to mention the fact that someone skinny, blue and fuzzy has just appeared in the bed next to her. She awakes with a jolt.  
  
"Kurt, what are you doing?" she asks urgently, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Ich weiss nicht," he says honestly. He wakes up enough to remember to talk in English. "I was asleep, and then I must have just bamfed in my sleep into your room. I suppose I must been dreaming of..." He trails off.  
  
"Of what?" Katherine prompts.  
  
Under his fur, Kurt's skin starts to get red. "Lobsters?" he lies. "Hey, your bed is much more comfortable than mine."  
  
"Is it?" Katherine's waking up properly now and is starting to see what her teammate is up to. She raises her eyebrows, but he can't see it in the dark. But she knows what he's like so she just sighs. "Well, you could just stay here then."  
  
"No, I better not," says Kurt. "Wait... Katherine, I didn't know you slept naked."  
  
"I don't..." She suddenly realises what Kurt means. "Oh, Jean and her telekinesis are so DEAD when I get hold of her!"  
  
"Well, I really must leave then," Kurt insists. He gets up and walks casually out the room.  
  
"Well, I knew you slept naked," she mumbles at the retreating blue figure.  
  
A few moments later, there's a yell of horror that sounds suspiciously like Maggie.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------  
  
Some of these ideas were partly Kalaki's. Danke, Kalaki. 


	11. Jean&Kurt, and Ororo&Katherine too

It's half six in the morning. Kurt is asleep, snoring loudly. Ororo is also snoring in Jean's room, but in a more delicate, ladylike and less German way. Jean has her head under a pillow to block the noise out, dreaming of Care Bears. Charlie and Maggie are both worn out (let's not go into detail as to why) and are asleep in Charlie's room. Katherine is curled up awkwardly, a couple of blue hairs on the sheets next to her. Logan is dreaming of Jean and Katherine. Rogue is already up, preparing for their first day as proper superheroes. She's had her breakfast and she's now preparing to let off the siren to awaken everyone else.  
  
Kurt gives a yell of pain as his elf-like ears are filled with the howl of the siren.  
  
"Nein, nein, nein, damit!" he wails. He gives in when it doesn't relent and sits up, pulls on a pair of boxer shorts and then bamfs down to the kitchen in the hope that someone will be making bacon sandwiches.  
  
"Oh good, you're up," says Rogue. "But Ah think you should be in your uniform by now."  
  
Kurt responds with a blank look.  
  
"We're proper superheroes now! You have to look the part and be ready, all the time. Ah suppose you can have breakfast first."  
  
Jean and Ororo stick their heads round the door. Jean looks confused, Ororo just really, really angry.  
  
"Oh good, you're here as well. Ah've sorted out breakfast--oatmeal for everyone, and then there's a rota for washing the dishes afterwards."  
  
"Washing?" Jean asks in disbelief. "We've never done that. Ever. Well, since Maggie's been here he's done it once or twice, but normally we just buy new dishes."  
  
"No!" Rogue orders. "We're doing it properly. Hurry up and sit down while we wait for everyone else."  
  
There's a big wooden table in the centre of the kitchen, easily big enough for all the X-Men but usually covered in rubbish. Luckily Maggie's spring- cleaning obsessions came in at just the right time. Kurt, Jean and Ororo sit. Logan slides in through the door and settles down on one of the chairs. He looks ready to kill.  
  
"We're missing Katherine, Charlie and Maggie," Rogue says, mentally checking them off. Just then, all three of them trudge in (well, Charlie rolls in) and sit down with everyone else. Maggie doesn't seem to be awake yet and Charlie gives a huge yawn.  
  
"Ah've made enough breakfast for everyone. And then tomorrow is Magneto's turn, and then Wolverine, and then Nightcrawler's... well, the rota's on the noticeboard so you can check when your day is." She begins handing round the bowls to everyone. Kurt looks at his in disgust. "Right, and when you've finished your breakfast, it's Jean's turn to clean up and the rest of you need to put your uniforms on, and then we start our advertising campaign. Any questions?"  
  
Jean waves her hand like a flag. "Yes. Is this supposed to be fun or an army camp?"  
  
Rogue glares at her. "You need discipline to be a good team."  
  
Charlie puts his hand up. "Who died and made you leader?"  
  
"You need someone who's an experienced and qualified leader. Like me."  
  
Charlie snorts but since he sees her point he says nothing.  
  
"So eat quickly, because you need to get down to the changing rooms within the next fifteen minutes so we can start on the fliers by..." she stares at her watch. "Seven."  
  
There's a huge snore from the table. Kurt's fallen asleep into his bowl.  
  
"Nightcrawler!" Rogue yells, and blasts a whistle that's hanging around her neck. "Wake up and eat your breakfast!"  
  
Kurt howls. "Can't I have bacon?" He starts trying to pick his breakfast out of his fur and his fur out of his breakfast.  
  
"No!" Rogue yells, and blows into the whistle again. "You have to be in shape. You have to get fit! Kurt, are you listening to me?"  
  
He's not. He's asleep again. Katherine nudges him.  
  
"Vah-vas?" Kurt wakes up with a jump. "Oh. Right. No bacon."  
  
* * * * *  
  
By eight, everyone's just about ready to start. Jean only broke four bowls and a glass, and she managed to work out a telekinetic washing system in the end, which saved her getting her hands wet. Kurt's fallen asleep on three more occasions, and Rogue's nearly deafened everyone with her whistle. But they make their way into the sitting room. Kurt, Katherine and Maggie take the sofa, Jean and Ororo in the armchairs, Charlie in his wheelchair, Logan on a beanbag on the floor and Rogue standing up, still commanding. "We need a group photo to put on our fliers," she says importantly. "Have you got any?"  
  
"Oh, loads," Katherine replies. "But in most of them, Kurt's pulling a face, in one Logan's picking his nose, Ororo and Jean wouldn't break lips long enough to look at the camera, etc etc. Besides, you and Maggie aren't in any of them."  
  
"Right, well, someone needs to find a camera with a timer on it. Charlie, d'you have one?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
By lunchtime, there's a semi-decent flier assembled with a photo of the team, a quick list of what they can do, and their phone number, and it's been photocopied six hundred and ninety-nine times. Rogue announces that the afternoon's work will be putting the fliers up where people can find them and Kurt's stomach announces that he's hungry. So Rogue relents and allows them to have a lunch break.  
  
Plan one, on Rogue's Day One Plan says that lunch is ham sandwiches, but Katherine protests on grounds of vegetarianism. Kurt protests on grounds of boringism. In the end, Rogue has a ham sandwich, Charlie has a ham and banana sandwich, Katherine has cheese, Logan has four times as much ham as anyone else, Maggie has banana, Jean has lettuce ("I need to diet" Jean insists), Ororo has peanut butter and Kurt has everything he can lay his blue two-fingered hands on. Which happens to be ham, cheese, banana, lettuce, raspberry yoghurt, tomatoes, bacon, ketchup, salad cream, peanut butter, chocolate sauce and cold baked beans.  
  
"How can you EAT that?" Katherine asks in both awe and disgust.  
  
"Es ist toll!" Kurt insists. "The more ingredients the better. I call it 'The Wagner'."  
  
"Can I try it?" Charlie asks. He does. And he's not as keen as Kurt. In fact, he gives it back to Kurt muttering, "You're welcome to it."  
  
"Yippee," Kurt says happily.  
  
"Hurry up," Rogue demands. She's already eaten hers and has put the plate by the sink for Charlie to clean up. While Charlie does his chores everyone else is to go out and get rid of a hundred fliers somehow, whether it be on notice boards, windows, lampposts or letterboxes. Kurt's already planning to find a trashcan somewhere to dump them in, and then sneak off for an ice cream/nap.  
  
Kurt... Jean warns psychically. Rogue's bound to catch you sneaking off, and besides, I want to go to the ice cream place.  
  
Aber I can't do that much work! I want ice cream!  
  
So, you wanna sneak off with me?  
  
That sounds like a date, Kurt thinks to himself. And Jean, of course, hears.  
  
Nahhh, not really. And I won't tell Katherine if you don't tell Ororo.  
  
Okay then, ja.  
  
Both of them jump as a third voice goes, planning something?  
  
Charlie! Jean squeals mentally, and Rogue stares at them.  
  
"What are you up to?" she asks, putting on her best I-Am-Not-Amused face. "Are you planning something?"  
  
Power trip, power trip, Jean mumbles, aiming towards everyone except Rogue.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Five minutes after Rogue sent everyone off, Jean and Kurt meet up outside the ice cream parlour. Kurt's wearing sunglasses.  
  
What's the point in the shades, Kurt? Jean inquires, too tired to open her mouth to talk.  
  
"So no one will recognise me," Kurt whispers secretively. "Where can I dump these?"  
  
He dumps the fliers in the nearest trashcan and puts someone's Chinese takeaway on top, so Rogue can't find them. Then they walk casually in.  
  
Jean gets a fairly normal sundae, but Kurt goes for a couple of scoops of every type of ice cream they have, with a squirt of every sauce and a little of every other topping they have too. Then he stirs it all up with his spoon until it's a vaguely brown-blue-ish colour.  
  
"Kurt, do you have to eat like that?" Jean asks nervously. "Especially in public."  
  
"Shhh!" Kurt hisses. "Don't let people hear you, you know what they're like. If anyone realises it's me, there'll be a mob of fans drooling on the table!"  
  
This better?  
  
Much. Danke. The sunglasses must be working, no one's noticed me yet. Not even Fred.  
  
Fred is George the baker's brother. He runs the ice cream place, and, just like George, he's Italian. Well, slightly Italian.  
  
Fred doesn't notice anything. He didn't even notice my new shoes!  
  
I did. They're beautiful, Jean.  
  
Jean giggles both psychically and out loud. Thank you.  
  
The problem with speaking through thoughts, Kurt finds, is that Jean doesn't give you a chance to plan what you want to say. She just listens to everything. So are you, Jean. Oops, I didn't mean to think that.  
  
Thank you, Kurt. You smell wonderful you know, has anyone ever told you that?  
  
Ja, all the time. Logan calls it "essence of bamf".  
  
Is that what it is? Sulphur?  
  
Amongst a few other things, ja.  
  
I love it!  
  
Danke schön, Jeanie. Kurt feels awkward. He pretend-flirts with Jean all the time, but this is different. This isn't just about watching Jean get changed. And Jean has Ororo and Kurt has Katherine. Das ist nicht richtig, Jean.  
  
Be cool, 'Crawler. We're just friends, that's all. Enjoying ice cream. Want a bit of mine?  
  
Ja, Kurt replies greedily. Jean leans over and spoon-feeds it to him herself.  
  
The word "slut" vaguely crosses Kurt's mind for about a milli-second.  
  
Are you calling me names, Wagner?  
  
Nein, Jeanie. Of course not. You're just too beautiful for your own good, that's all.  
  
Jean blushes. Thanks, Kurt.  
  
I was thinking of bamfing back and taking a nap for the rest of the afternoon, if that's okay.  
  
Can I come? Jean teases.  
  
Kurt goes red. Well, purple, by the time you see through his fur. You want to leave now, bamf off, "forget" to pay?  
  
The best plan you've had in ages, 'Crawler Boy. Let's go. She grabs onto Kurt's hand under the table and they bamf back to the mansion together.  
  
"You can let go of my hand, you know," Kurt suggests gently, when they arrive in his room.  
  
"Yes, I know," she says absently, stroking his furry fingers.  
  
"Stop it, Jean," he says warningly.  
  
"Stop what?" she asks innocently. "No one will know, Kurt, and you know you want to..."  
  
"No!" Kurt screeches. "No, Jean, no, stop it, stop, stop now Jean!"  
  
She just giggles. "It's alright Kurt, the others won't be back for at least three hours."  
  
"Well..."  
  
"I'm psychic, Kurt, I know exactly what you're thinking about..."  
  
Lobsters, Kurt thinks. Just lobsters. Nothing else. Lobsters.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Katherine drags herself along, carrying the fliers, Ororo at her side. "I bet Jean dumped her fliers somewhere and went off to mess about," Ororo sighs.  
  
"I'm sure she wouldn't do that," Katherine assures her. "Rogue would kill her if she found out." She stops to tape a flier to a lamppost. "Kurt's bound to have gone back home to sleep, though."  
  
"Yeah, stupid blue dude," Ororo says, stamping her foot. "I want to be lazy! I'm sick of fliers!" She throws the pile up into the air, and they rain down on them. "Hey, that was fun, let me try it with yours!" She grabs Katherine's fliers and throws them in the air, running down the street. Katherine sighs and then runs after her.  
  
"Where are you going, Ororo?" Katherine yells, trying to keep up.  
  
"Don't have a clue," Ororo yells back happily. "You coming though?"  
  
"Yeah, why not?"  
  
Ororo stops when she reaches a dead end at the end of the street. Katherine stops, short of breath and her heart thudding, just behind her.  
  
"What now?" asks Ororo.  
  
"Beats me." Katherine knows Ororo is being childish (so what's new?) and she shouldn't be following her but she does anyway. The street's deserted.  
  
"I know," Ororo says spontaneously. "Erm, Katherine... oh, you said you've always been straight, didn't you?"  
  
"Yes," Katherine hears her voice saying. "That's what I thought, then."  
  
"Is that a hint?" Ororo asks hopefully. "Because I..." She takes hold of Katherine's hands very gently, and pulls her closer. "This is only a one- off thing, but if you want to..."  
  
"Ah, what the hell," Katherine says, throwing herself at Ororo and attaching herself to her at the lips.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Fair's fair, isn't it? Now Kurt, Jean, Ororo and Katherine won't have to feel any guilt whatsoever. 


	12. A Night Out

It's evening. Everyone's home from the great flier delivery. Kurt and Jean have promised not to tell anyone about their sneaking off, and... and the other thing that they did. Or, as Jean pointed out, they didn't do, if anyone asks. Rogue is giving them the evening off with the promise of a lot more work tomorrow.  
  
"You want to go out for the evening?" Ororo offers casually to Jean, not looking her in the eyes.  
  
"Oh, yeah, great," Jean replies, not quite catching Ororo's eyes either. "Where were you thinking of going?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know, maybe that lesbian club place we went to a few weeks ago. Maybe Rogue and Katherine want to come along too."  
  
Jean gives Ororo a funny look, and Ororo gets a funny feeling in her stomach. No, Katherine's straight, she thinks to herself, in case Jean is reading her thoughts and finds out what she did. "Rogue wouldn't want to come," she says eventually.  
  
"Oh, no, she wouldn't," Ororo agrees quickly, relieved. "But erm, Katherine could help us sneak in for free."  
  
"Great idea!" Jean grins. "I love your devious plans, Ororo."  
  
"They really are quite good, aren't they?" Ororo smiles at her own greatness.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ororo and Jean persuade Katherine to go with them, although Rogue gives them a disapproving look. She takes a book called "Obtaining Great Leadership Skills" to her room and no one sees her again until the next day. But anyway. Kurt and Logan hear about the "girls' night out" (of sorts) and start planning their own night in. Charlie and Maggie get out the chess again, even though it nearly always ends in an argument with Charlie throwing the pieces across the room.  
  
"What do I wear?" Katherine frets, sitting in her room with Jean and Ororo sat on her bed for guidance. "I've never been to a place like that before!"  
  
"Oh, well, Jean just wears the least amount of clothes she can, and I just dress normally," Ororo explains.  
  
"Hey!" Jean says, not really angry but elbowing Ororo in the ribs.  
  
"Ow!" Ororo says angrily, kicking Jean in the shins. Jean retaliates by telekinetically lifting a lamp into the air and whacking Ororo over the head with it.  
  
"OUCH! Jean, that hurts, you evil cow!" Ororo shrieks, casting the lamp aside and leaping on Jean in an attempt to wrestle with her. Katherine gives a yelp as the lamp attacks her ankle and then tries not to watch Ororo lying on top of Jean, pinning her down. "I'll get you for that, Jean Grey!"  
  
"No you won't!" Jean squeals, trying to pull a hardback book off the bookcase to whack Ororo over the head with, and failing because she can't see where they are. "Damn, damn, damn, get off me Ororo!"  
  
"Make me," Ororo teases.  
  
Jean's kicking and struggling underneath her, but Ororo's not giving up. "I can stay here all day if you want."  
  
"No, you can't! I'll get you eventually!"  
  
"Go on then, try," Ororo suggests. "OWWWW! Jean, you great cheat, I told you hitting me with a lamp HURTS!"  
  
Katherine sighs. "Look you two, just kiss and make up, alright?" She's forgotten they'll take this literarily, and she spends a few minutes staring at the bookcase.  
  
"Ahem, anyway," Jean says. "Katherine's clothes. Maybe you don't want to dress in your normal type clothes..." She neglects to mention that Katherine dresses like she works in an office everyday. A fairly casual office, perhaps, but still. "Maybe Ororo will lend you something."  
  
"I'm too tall," Ororo says quickly. "Katherine would never fit into anything of mine."  
  
"Alright, point taken. You can borrow something of mine." Jean frowns. "If you want to."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Do we have to sneak in the back way?" Katherine asks. "I'm sure--"  
  
"They charge you the front way. Phase us in through the wall and we get in free! It's not like they don't overcharge on the drinks anyway." Ororo pushes Katherine towards the wall. "Come on, it's just on the other side, no one'll notice."  
  
"Do it, Dr Pryde," Jean insists.  
  
"Alright. Hold my hands then." For just a second Katherine's tempted to let go at the last second and let the both of them walk straight into the brick wall, but she doesn't. She phases the three of them cleanly through the solid wall and they find themselves in the middle of the hot and noisy room.  
  
"Drinks!" Ororo cries ecstatically.  
  
"Ororo has a great plan," Jean elaborates. "What you do, is you go up to the bar and flirt with the richest looking girl there. Then she'll buy you drinks. Lots of drinks. Then you can get drunk off your head for only a fraction of the price!"  
  
"Isn't it amazing?" Ororo asks proudly. "Then at the end of the night, if you want someone to go--" She catches Jean looking at her. "I mean, who would I want to go home with except you, Jeanie darling?"  
  
"That's better. Now let's go find people to buy us drinks!"  
  
Ororo and Jean run off towards the bar, leaving Katherine stood awkwardly by the wall. She looks around. I've never seen so many lesbians in one place, she thinks, in awe.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, Kurt and Logan are still planning.  
  
"I'm hungry," Kurt complains.  
  
"Me too," Logan agrees.  
  
"Ice cream," says Kurt.  
  
"Yoghurt," Logan argues.  
  
"Ice cream!"  
  
"Yoghurt!"  
  
"Ice cream, Logan."  
  
Logan doesn't reply instantly. Instead he stops to think. "Brainwave! Kurt, you have ice cream and I'll have yoghurt."  
  
"Wunderbar!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ororo giggles. "Oh, look, my glass is empty again. Bargirl, come refill it for me! This chick's paying, okay?"  
  
'This chick' just hiccups.  
  
"And my friend Jean wants one too."  
  
"Where's Kitty?" Jean asks distractedly. She knows one of them needs to be sober enough to find them somewhere to go afterwards, ideally home and failing that anything classier than a ditch will do. If Katherine's not drinking then Jean can get drunk off her head with Ororo. She's had a few already and can't quite work out how to contact Katherine psychically. She's trying but she's just getting a headache. Charlie's always telling her telepaths and alcohol don't mix but she never listens. She looks up, trying to see through the crowd. And sure enough, there Katherine is. Dancing like she's downed more than Ororo on a "wild night out".  
  
"She'll be unconscious in a few hours if she carries on!" Jean grumbles. "Why do I always have to be the sensible one?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Can I have some ice cream, Elf?" Logan asks, beggingly [not a real word, and I don't care!].  
  
Kurt holds the spoon out. "Open up then," he suggests.  
  
Logan's about to say something, and then changes his mind. After all, who WOULDN'T want to be spoon-fed by the Fuzzy One?  
  
* * * * *  
  
The evening passes. Maggie and Charlie get bored with chess and play strip chess instead. Then strip battleships, and then strip tic-tac-toe/nought and crosses/whatever you happen to call it. Eventually they realise they've both lost.  
  
"What do we do now?" Charlie asks.  
  
"Oh, I think we should put all the games away now, it's past your bedtime," Maggie says suggestively. And there'll be no more said about those two until tomorrow.  
  
Meanwhile, Kurt and Logan are at their own "games".  
  
"I think you're right," Kurt comments. "Yoghurt is better than ice cream. It's more runny and doesn't melt."  
  
"I know. You want some more?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Lots more. Hey, how much have we got?"  
  
"A whole lot," Logan says, mentally trying to count and giving up. "Why?"  
  
"Well, I read somewhere, this story, about these guys and a huge jacuzzi full of yoghurt. You want to try it?"  
  
"Yeah, why not?"  
  
[A/n: shameless plug. Kurt's referring to my fanfic 'Yoghurt'.]  
  
* * * * *  
  
And it's quite late when Jean, Ororo, and Katherine stumble into the garden. About four in the morning, in fact. Kurt and Logan have given up on the jacuzzi, leaving it full of black and blue hairs with traces of yoghurt around the bottom, and are now asleep in Kurt's bed. Maggie and Charlie are similarly asleep in Charlie's bed.  
  
Ororo steps into the garden and collapses on the floor, giggling. Katherine throws up in a flowerbed.  
  
"SHHH!" Jean hisses loudly. "You'll wake everyone up!"  
  
"I am being quiet!" Ororo protests loudly. "Come on! Let's go inside!"  
  
"Dungarees, dungarees, dungarees-dungarees-dungarees," Katherine sings happily.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Okay, just a quick note about my Scott-Death fic. Fanfiction.net removed it. It's highly unfair, but, well, what can I do? So I'm sorting out getting them uploaded somewhere else. I'll tell you where, when I know. 


	13. Heterophobia and Twins

The siren is going, full volume.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Logan yells.  
  
"LOGAN!" Kurt yells, having been awoken not by the siren, but by Logan's noise.  
  
"Mrrrppphhh!" Charlie howls from under a pillow.  
  
"No, no, no, no," Maggie mumbles.  
  
Katherine sits up, and then feels pain, and lies back down again. She glances tentatively at the person--no, people--next to her. Jean's on her left and Ororo on her right, and both are moaning slightly. Katherine's head is throbbing like it's going to fall off and she can't remember a thing, least of all why she's in bed with the resident all-female couple.  
  
Rogue went to bed early last night and is awake in the kitchen, sipping coffee. She's expecting the others to appear within the next ten minutes. She will be disappointed.  
  
The first thought to come into Katherine's head is, I meant to got out for a pizza with Kurt last night and I don't think I did. No, she'd completely forgotten and gone out with Ororo and Jean instead. Poor Kurt, he'll be so upset.  
  
In actual fact, he's forgotten all about it.  
  
At half eleven Rogue sighs, clears up the breakfast that no one's eaten, and takes herself up to bed, completely given up on "being proper superheroes".  
  
At around midday, Charlie and Maggie get up and make bacon sandwiches. Kurt's nose twitches. He can smell bacon. Bamf.  
  
And Logan's supersensitive sense of smell detects the sulphur left behind his friend and gets up to follow Kurt down to the kitchen, remembering on the way, unlike Kurt, to put some clothes on.  
  
"Becoming a nudist, Crawler Dude?" Charlie enquires.  
  
"Vas? Oh, right. I just forgot to put any clothes on," Kurt says, not all that bothered. Well, why should I be? Jean, Katherine, Maggie and Logan have all seen me like this, and all in the space of a few days! So why not? Mmm, bacon.  
  
Logan, however, is bothered. "Hey, Elf, what is this? 'Now Logan's seen it anyone can'?"  
  
"Mrph? Have you seen the brown sauce?" Kurt asks, his head in a cupboard.  
  
Logan growls. "That's it--I am so sleeping with Ororo next time I get a chance."  
  
The door opens. "Hello, Logan, talking about me?"  
  
"Yeah. Revenge plans on the thoughtless fuzzball. Want to help?"  
  
Jean bursts through the doorway, shoving Ororo out the way. "Okay! I did it! I slept with Kurt!" she howls. "I didn't mean for you to find out like this! And God I have the most awful hangover of all time, I'm going back to bed." Jean exits stage left.  
  
"Well, that was unexpected," Charlie says happily. "It's just like a soap opera, this family."  
  
"Except with more nudity!" Kurt says cheerfully. "Now, who has the ketchup?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So Kurt, if you want to go on this date with me," Katherine says, "We can. But you know, sometimes, I wonder if you're not heterophobic."  
  
"English is not my first language remember, Katherine. Explain."  
  
"I mean, are you afraid of male-female relationships?" She peers at him, concerned. She wants to touch his fur but she doesn't dare. "Or-or is it just me? I mean, since we arranged our date, there was Jean and then Logan..." She sniffs.  
  
"It's not you, Katherine. I really like you. A lot. You know how to stroke my fur right and you say nice things about how I smell. But ever since I was little I've had this problem."  
  
Katherine gives him a questioning look. "Go on?"  
  
"I think I'm afraid of women."  
  
She looks blank, and then weirded out. "Right. Okay. Erm, have you ever considered a psychiatrist?"  
  
It's taken Katherine until eight in the evening to recover from her night out, and now she's just having a quiet chat with Kurt, both of them curled up on the sofa.  
  
"Women scare me up close! I like watching them from a distance but when they get near me they freak me out!" he cries, then puts his head in his hands and sobs. "I know what with my fur and everything it should be the other way round, I should scare them, but I don't! Women are attracted to me, Katherine, and I can't stop them! I don't want them to be but they are!"  
  
"Oh." What a terrible problem. Everyone of the opposite sex loves you and you still complain.  
  
"Katherine, can you teach me how to not be afraid of women? Then I'll go out with you."  
  
"Can I stroke your fur?"  
  
"Ja. Ja, you can. If you think it'll help." He holds his arm out reluctantly.  
  
She touches it ever so gently with the ends of her fingertips. "How does that feel?"  
  
"Gut," Kurt replies cautiously. "When Jean does it--I mean, did it, she did it more like this." He demonstrates. "Mind you, with me and Jean it was more jump in, jump out again."  
  
Katherine shudders. "Okay, so like this."  
  
"Ja. But a bit more like this..."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Charlie and Maggie are sat in front of the TV, sipping cheap white wine. They've been discussing things, but now they're just relaxing. The doorbell rings.  
  
"Oh, for the love of God," Charlie cries. "It's almost half ten! What do they want?" He pauses and looks up, then yells, "WOLVIE DUDE!!! ANSWER THE DOOR!"  
  
"Always me," Logan grumbles, putting down his magazine and stomping down the stairs.  
  
When he opens the door, he finds an angry looking woman standing on the step. After noticing she's angry, he notices that's she a) blue and b) naked.  
  
"Will you quit staring at me? It's cold out here, let me in!" she says, irritated, shoving Logan out the way. "Is Erik here?"  
  
"Erik?" Logan scrunches his eyebrows together in thought. "Oh, you mean Maggie dude. Yeah, he's getting drunk with Charlie."  
  
"Right. You look after these two, I have to speak to him."  
  
And then Logan notices the kids stood behind her.  
  
"Hi I'm Pietro," the first says quickly. He has pure white hair, and must be about ten. He looks quite cheerful, and is jogging on the spot, at speed. "This is my sister," he rolls his eyes, "Wanda."  
  
"Twin sister," she says stubbornly. "I'm Wanda Maximoff. I'm the eldest twin." She's his opposite, about his height but with deep black hair, dark eyes and a scowl on her face.  
  
"No you're not I am," he argues, still speed talking and jogging.  
  
"I'm OLDER THAN YOU PIETRO!" she yells.  
  
"I'm older than you!" he disagrees. "Ask Dad."  
  
"Kids, shut up or I'll claw yer to pieces," Logan threatens. He doesn't mean it but Pietro jumps back behind his sister.  
  
"Yeah right," Wanda snorts, her arms folded. "Dad wouldn't you."  
  
"Wanna bet on that?" Logan growls, popping his claws. "I'll--" He stops, hearing a lot of noise from inside the mansion.  
  
"ERIK, I'VE BABYSAT FOR YOUR KIDS FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS!"  
  
Ooh, sounds interesting, thinks Logan, leaning in a bit closer to hear.  
  
"Raven, it's not like that. You have to understand what's been going on. A lot's been happening to me, I--"  
  
"Abandoned your own useless rotten kids on me so you could come out here, sleep with that nut Charles, drink a lot, and, and smoke that goddamn 'hobbit weed' of yours!"  
  
Pietro giggles.  
  
"Is that your mom?" Logan asks, now confused about the whole thing.  
  
"Nah, she's just some old friend of Dad's. Our dad RULES. You should see all the great tricks he can do."  
  
"I've seen 'em. And he boasts he could out-drink Ororo, but I dunno if he really could."  
  
"RAVEN DARKHOLME! Listen to me! Those kids are BRATS! Brats, I tell you!!! Do you blame me for needing to get away?"  
  
"I know they're brats, I've been looking after them!!! And feeding them, and everything, they cost a fortune!"  
  
Pietro bursts into tears and Wanda just scowls even more.  
  
"So leave them here, Raven! I don't care! Look, have all the money I've got." He neglects to mention it happens to be about five dollars. "Just leave!"  
  
"He's been drinking too much again," Logan sighs. "Alright, kids. Come in. I'll show you around the place."  
  
"Do you have Lego?" Pietro asks hopefully.  
  
"No, but Kurt has endless por--no, don't worry about that one."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---  
  
Sorry it's been so long coming. But, there's plenty more when I can be bothered, I'm busy writing Chapter 21!!! And hey, why not, a little preview of things to come.  
  
(from page two, chapter twenty-one) 'So Kurt fetches the bowl of experiment and a spoon. Rogue carefully pulls the lid off and stares at the concoction. It's a vaguely brownish greenish greyish colour, full of odd lumps. She gulps. "Spoon, German one." ' 


	14. Hello, Cap'n

"Mr Logan, Sir, could I have another drink of water, please?"  
  
"For the love of God... Pietro Maximoff, it's two in the morning. Some of us are trying to get some sleep."  
  
"But I can't sleep unless I have another drink!"  
  
"Tough," Logan mumbles. He's still angry that Charlie decided the twins should sleep in his room, and that Wanda should get his bed while he sleeps on the floor. Wanda's making little angry growling noises in her sleep, and occasionally punching the pillow.  
  
"My dad will be angry if you're not nice to me," Pietro whines. "I just want a drink. Please."  
  
"Alright! Alright!" Logan heaves himself upright. "Don't touch anything while I'm gone."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Mr Logan, your lamp's broken. And I found some really weird things in your drawer."  
  
"PIETRO!" Logan roars. "I told you not to touch anything! Now here's your drink. Now drink it, shut up, and go to sleep."  
  
Five minutes pass. Then, "Mr Logan, could you show me where your bathroom is? I really need to go."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"No more babysitting! Ever again!" Logan howls, hurling bacon into his mouth. The whole household have got together for breakfast, except Kurt, who has mysteriously disappeared.  
  
"I'd always have thought you were secretly a naturally paternal person, Logan," Katherine says, only half teasing. She's neatly spooning up cornflakes.  
  
"Kids are brats. The sooner they grow up the better," Logan growls, attacking the bacon with his claw and almost slicing the plate in half too.  
  
Pietro's sat next to his father, eating exactly the same thing as him, in the same way. Maggie glares at him slightly, but he ignores it. Wanda, on the other hand, is sat at the other end of the table, chewing sourly on her toast. She hasn't said a word since she woke up.  
  
"I've always wanted to adopt kids," Jean says thoughtfully, glancing at Ororo meaningfully.  
  
"Are you two holding hands under the table again?" Rogue asks.  
  
"Yeah," says Ororo casually. "Why shouldn't we?"  
  
"Ah never said you shouldn't. Ah'm just jealous, ya know." Rogue screws up her forehead in concentration. "Ah have the perfect solution! Logan, you can finish mah bacon. Ah have to make a plan."  
  
The moment she's left the room, Charlie and Jean both sigh and say, "She's planning to seduce Kurt."  
  
Maggie laughs and then has a coughing-snorting fit.  
  
"What, Dad? What's so funny?" Pietro asks, not sure what "seduce" means, assuming it must be a private joke he wants in on.  
  
"Nothing, nothing," Maggie replies quickly, shaking his head.  
  
"You think we should adopt, Jean?" Ororo suggests.  
  
"Absolutely." She glances at Logan. "Six kids. No, seven."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Hey Kurt," Katherine says casually, entering his room through a wall and finding him busy writing something. "What are you doing?"  
  
He jumps. "Nothing, Katherine, nothing."  
  
"Let me see... who's Amanda? Your sister? Why are you writing about her?"  
  
Kurt puts his hands over the page quickly. "It's... erm... nothing. I'm just writing an autobiography."  
  
"Oh. That's nice." She pets Kurt's hand absentmindedly. "How's your fear coming along?"  
  
"Badly. I dreamt I was in a room full of women, and they all wanted to stroke my fur, and they chased me down the street and I was naked. It was just like real life, really."  
  
"Aww, poor Kurt," she says sympathetically. "Well, how about if I help you overcome your fear now? We could just spend some time together, if that helps."  
  
"Alright. Alright, but promise not to touch me anymore, I don't like it."  
  
"Okay. So what we're going to do is... we'll just sit together and talk, okay? No pressure. And if you don't like it, say so." She settles cross- legged at the end of his bed, and gestures for Kurt to sit likewise at the head.  
  
"Tell me about the women you've known," she suggests. "Perhaps we can find out why you're afraid of women... but not apparently Jean." Katherine thinks, and sighs out loud.   
  
"It's not because she's Jean," Kurt disagrees. "It's because it was just... she jumped on me. And we just did it, it was just for fun, and it wasn't about my fur, it was just about..." He looks embarrassed. "My trousers."  
  
Katherine can't help but giggle. "So what about Logan? Do you mind him touching your fur?"  
  
"No, that's okay. He can touch my fur because it feels right. I like his hands."  
  
"And any other men?"  
  
"I like their hands. I don't like women's hands."  
  
"Okay. So, we'll go through the important women in your life."  
  
"Mütti. My adoptive mother, in Germany. I've known her longer than anyone."  
  
"Good. Now, it seems to be about your fur and hands. Has she ever touched your fur?" Katherine's quite enjoying being a psychiatrist.  
  
"When I was very little she would sing to me and stroke my fur and call me her little Nightcrawler," Kurt says, embarrassed. "I liked that. She protected me from things."  
  
"What about your real mother?" Katherine asks reluctantly, in case it's a bad subject.  
  
"I don't know. I don't know who she is. I've never met her."  
  
"I'll keep my eye out for blue women," Katherine says casually, sure she should be making a link, but not making one. "And your sister?"  
  
"Amanda. I was in love with Amanda," he says honestly. "I liked to look at her, because she's pretty. But I didn't like touching her and I didn't like her touching me. Or being near me."  
  
Katherine's interested at this revelation. "What does Amanda look like?"  
  
"I have a photo," he says, handing her a frame that's been sat on his bedside cabinet. "There's Mütti, and my brother, and Amanda on the end."  
  
"She is pretty," Katherine says wistfully. "I wish I looked like her."  
  
"You're pretty too, Katherine," Kurt replies honestly, looking shy. "And beautiful."  
  
Katherine smiles. "I'm getting somewhere, aren't I?"  
  
"I still don't want you to come any closer," he warns.  
  
"Okay, okay. Well, how about we go for that pizza tonight? We can sit on opposite sides of a table. We don't have to touch or anything, if you don't want to."  
  
"Really? Pizza? Ja! Let's do it!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Rogue's planning out how to get to Kurt, unaware he's just arranged a date with the girl who's helping him overcome his fear of women. She's a very obsessive person and she's not going to give up until she's got her man where she wants him. She pauses in her plans to look out the window as she hears someone coming up the gravel path.  
  
The doorbell rings shrilly through the mansion.  
  
"I'll get it!" Jean yells. She opens the front door to discover one of her worst enemies stood there. Another superhero.  
  
"Captain America!" she cries. "What the hell are you doing here, you stupid defrosted loser? I'll beat you into the middle of next week!" She shrieks and leaps at him, kicking him in the face and knocking him over.  
  
"That'll teach you to mess with Jean Grey," she smirks. She stamps on his face with her heel for good measure, and then turns to go back inside, and comes face to face with Logan.  
  
"What are you up to now, Jeanie?" he asks playfully.  
  
"Captain America turned up so I thought it was time for Jean Grey to kick butt once more," she grins.  
  
"You knocked him out?" Logan asks, his face going pale. He bends down to Captain America's side. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I'll live," he groans. "Just, maybe I ought to rest for a bit."  
  
"Ahh, no problem. You can come rest in my bed for a while. So long as Wanda hasn't messed it up."  
  
"Wanda?" his eyes widen. "Logan, who's Wanda? She's another woman, isn't she?"  
  
"Relax, Steve. There's been a lot of women and a few blokes since you, babe. You can't expect me to just wait around, can you? But Wanda's not one of them. She's one of the ten-year-old twins who moved into my bedroom last night. Maggie's kids. Hey, Jean! Bring yer telekinesis over here, would yer? Carry Steve in for me, could you?"  
  
Jean grunted. "Found your perfect partner, have you?"  
  
"Yes. You have Ororo now, Jean! Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be granted an audience with you two sometime."  
  
Steve raises his eyebrows. "You have weird sleeping arrangements round this place."  
  
"Weirder than Michael Jackson's," Jean agrees.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So how was your babysitting experience?" Jean asks Ororo casually.  
  
Ororo and Jean were put in charge of the twins for the afternoon. Jean took Pietro, and Ororo got stuck with Wanda.  
  
"Awful!" Ororo wails. "She was such a pain! Right. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she just looked at me. So I asked if there was anything she wanted to do, and she just stared out the window. I asked her if she was hungry and she grunted at me. So I said, 'Wanda, what are we going to do all afternoon?' And she put on this total sour face and said, 'Can you use your powers to blow up the whole of New York?'  
  
"And so I had to say yes, I could, didn't I? So we started talking about powers. Maggie had his kids tested for the X-Gene when they were about three months old, you know. So she knows that sooner or later her powers should develop. She said she wants powers so that she blow things up and destroy things. She finally smiled when she said that. Ohhh, I can never even look at a kid again!"  
  
Jean laughs. "Pietro was a dream to look after. First of all he asked me if I had any art materials, so I dug out some old pencils for him and he drew this beautiful picture of me." She grins and holds it up to her friend. "Look! Isn't he adorable? He said I was pretty, too."  
  
"Everyone says that, Jean," Ororo says, annoyed that her babysitting adventure wasn't as fun as Jean's.  
  
"Yeah, well. After that we went into the kitchen and he showed me how to make cookies from one of those packets--we didn't have any so we had to go out and get some. Oh, he was so sweet! The cashiers adored him. And then we came back and he knew how to cook! We made these wonderful cookies, and he ate three of them before they'd even cooled. I would have had one, but I'm on a diet, you know? Anyway. He helped me clean the kitchen, and he was so quick at it! Oh, he's an angel, Ororo."  
  
"His sister's an absolute demon," Ororo replies, her eyes sparking with rage.  
  
"No killing things, Ororo," Jean says firmly.  
  
"Not even small things? Just one, incy wincy old lady that no one would even notice?"  
  
"Ororo! You can't kill old ladies!"  
  
"Well, can I at least lick out the bowl from your cookies? You must have saved that."  
  
"Nope. Kurt's already had it."  
  
She curses Kurt loudly. "How could you, Jean? I thought you loved me!"  
  
"I didn't let him!" Jean howls. "I didn't want to, I wanted to save it all for you, but Kurt came and snuck past me and took it and ate it before I'd even noticed him!"  
  
"I'll rip his tail off and strangle him with it!" Ororo yells.  
  
"Calm down, calm down! It's okay! It's okay, because I know where his secret stash of ice cream is."  
  
Ororo's ears visibly perk up.  
  
"Cookie dough ice cream."  
  
"Let's go get it!" 


	15. Raiding Kurt's room for icecream

Ororo peers around the corner. She's standing on tiptoe. "The coast's clear," she hisses to Jean. "Where is this ice cream, exactly?"  
  
"Oh, grow up, 'Ro-ro," Jean sighs. "I'll tell you where it is. You know that window box, right? Well, if you unscrew that then you can lift the lid up, and inside there he's got this little freezer and it's FULL of Ben and Jerry's."  
  
Ororo looks worried. "I don't have a screwdriver."  
  
Jean grins, and reaches down her top. "No, but I have. Ta-da! I confiscated it off Wanda, she was using it to try and kill a blackbird in the garden."  
  
"Fantastic. Let's go-go-go!" Ororo cries happily.  
  
"What are you up to?" Logan asks, having crept up behind them and watched with some interest when Jean was feeling around down her top.  
  
Ororo and Jean both jump. "Nothing."  
  
"So why are you both standing outside Kurt's room holding a screwdriver, looking suspicious?"  
  
"Revenge on Kurt."  
  
"Oh, great. Can I join in?"  
  
Ororo looks pained. "Oh, no, you see, ice cream doesn't go as far between three people."  
  
"Ororo, I'm on a diet," Jean reminds her. "I don't want any."  
  
"Perfect! Okay, you can have... a little bit, Logan."  
  
"That's what I love about you, Ororo. Your generosity. But I'm more interested in gettin' at the Elf, to be honest."  
  
"Good. The ice cream's mine then."  
  
"Only if I get to take..." Logan looks thoughtful. "Does he have a diary? I'll sniff it out and hold it for ransom."  
  
Jean pushes the door open gently. "Right, get in! Quick!"  
  
"Can I have the screwdriver?" Ororo begs. "Please, please, please, please, please?"  
  
"No! I want to do it!" Jean folds her arms.  
  
"For god's sake women, I'll do it!" Logan growls, and snatches the screwdriver off Jean before she has time to react.  
  
"Hey!" Ororo yells, and shocks Logan with a small lightning bolt.  
  
"Mine!" Jean howls, leaping at him.  
  
"What are you doing?" A voice enquires. "Ah want to help raid Kurt's room!"  
  
"No, Rogue! We're not raiding Kurt's room! Not at all. Go away."  
  
"Awww, no one likes me," Rogue sniffs. "Just because Ah'm new, none of you like me, you just want me to go away..."  
  
"Damn right," Logan mutters.  
  
"No Rogue, that's not true. It's just Ororo is very possessive about ice cream."  
  
"Damn right," agrees Ororo.  
  
"But Rogue, look. This is kind of a secret thing and the less people who know about it, the better. Yeah?"  
  
"No. Okay, Ah'm outta here. Ah've got work to do, anyway."  
  
There's a sudden bamf and the three of them try their best to look innocent. Logan shoves the screwdriver at Ororo, who hides it behind her back.  
  
"Guten Tag, fellow X-Men!" Kurt grins cheerfully. "I just came to get this." He holds up a book. "Well, goodbye!" Bamf.  
  
All three breathe out at the same time.  
  
"That was close," Ororo comments. "Yes, I have the screwdriver! Screw you, Wolvie!"  
  
"Not funny, Ororo. Give it back."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Hey, guys?" Jean calls. "Erm, he left it unscrewed."  
  
"ICE CREAM!" Ororo cries happily.  
  
"And where does that kid keep his diary?" Everyone's younger than Logan, so anyone could be considered a kid to him.  
  
"Under the bed," Jean offers.  
  
"Where do you learn these things?" Ororo asks interestedly.  
  
"I'm psychic, duh."  
  
"Oh, right. You sure you don't want some of this? Jeez, doesn't this guy have spoons?" Ororo is searching through the box with one hand and eating ice cream with the fingers on the other.  
  
"If you can find a spoon," Logan offers.  
  
"I have one!" Jean says proudly.  
  
"Let me guess. You keep it down your top," Logan says, with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"Yeah, duh! Where else could I keep it?"  
  
Logan just sighs.  
  
"What else are you hiding in there?" Ororo asks. "And give me the spoon, then."  
  
"Don't be so nosy." She hands the spoon over. "Hang on, I'm going to keep watch by the door."  
  
"Aren't you psychic? Doesn't that mean there's no need to stand and keep watch? And can't Kurt teleport?"  
  
"Shut up, Ororo! You're ruining everything!"  
  
She ignores her and settles down with her ice cream.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"The Captain's feeling much better," Katherine reports. "Nothing worse than a mild concussion. Hopefully he'll forget that he wants to sue you, Jean."  
  
"Oh, why would he want to sue me? So I knocked him out on the driveway and gave him concussion. He shouldn't be such a baby! He should have fought back!"  
  
Maggie coughs. "Yes, anyway, children."  
  
"He must be alright though, he and Logan have been in Logan's room for hours."  
  
The rest of the X-Men, plus Wanda and Pietro, are gathered in the sitting room. Kurt is frantically scribbling in a notebook, and Katherine is trying to watch. Rogue is sat on the floor by Kurt's feet. Wanda and Pietro are playing Connect Four in the middle of the room, not arguing, at least for the moment. Charlie and Maggie are curled up together on the sofa. Jean and Ororo are sitting on beanbags watching the twins, Ororo eating ice cream. Kurt doesn't seem to have noticed.  
  
"Cheat!" Pietro howls, breaking the near-silence.  
  
"I did NOT cheat, Pietro Maximoff, and you know it! You just want to pretend I cheated so that you can cheat and then you'll win!"  
  
"You had two goes in a row, Wanda! That's cheating!"  
  
"I did not! And besides, I'm older than you."  
  
"Are not! I'm older than her, aren't I Dad?"  
  
"Daddy's boy."  
  
"I am NOT, am I Dad? And I'm the oldest, aren't I? Tell her, Dad!"  
  
"Children, children, children. I don't remember which one of you is older. In fact, I don't even remember your birthday."  
  
"September 15th," Pietro says, just as Wanda says, "September 16th."  
  
"I thought it was the fourteenth. But never mind. Your mother will know. Ring her tomorrow and ask her."  
  
"But Daaaad!" Pietro cries. "That doesn't solve it! She still cheated, didn't she?"  
  
"I'm not getting involved. Why don't you play something different for a bit?"  
  
"Like what?" Pietro sticks out his bottom lip.  
  
"I don't know. Perhaps Charlie has a pack of playing cards or something you could mess around with."  
  
"Great. Charlie, do you have a pack of playing cards we could borrow, please?" Pietro asks in his most polite voice.  
  
"I don't want to play cards with you, cheater," Wanda disagrees.  
  
"Well, tough Wanda, I want to play and I'm older than you!"  
  
"No you're NOT!"  
  
"Yes I AM!"  
  
"Not!"  
  
"Am so!"  
  
"Are not!"  
  
"Am SO!"  
  
"Shut UP!" Ororo wails. "I'm trying to eat ice cream here!"  
  
"Ice cream?" Kurt looks up. "Can I have some?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, why not? Just a little bit though."  
  
He puts his notebook down (Katherine snatches it up, quick), and goes and sits next to Ororo, who spoon-feeds him ice cream.  
  
Minutes pass, and then Kurt speaks. "Wait here, I have to check something." He bamfs off.  
  
Ororo creeps out the patio doors into the garden.  
  
"MY ICE CREAM!" Kurt howls from upstairs.  
  
"Ororo's in trouble, Ororo's in trouble," Jean sings.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Ororo's hiding in the shed at the bottom of the garden. It's where she always goes when she needs to hide from someone--which is more often that you'd expect. It's kind of cold, but she's prepared, just in case she has to stay out all night. And it is starting to get dark, which is why she brought her CD player, a blanket, a torch, three batteries, four candles, a box of matches, a book, and some rope. She doesn't know what the rope could be useful for--yet. But you never know. It's what they always have in films.  
  
And Jean is sat on the sofa, smiling to herself. She knows where Ororo is, without even using her telepathy to find her. Kurt is angrily bamfing around the mansion, mumbling, "I'll kill her!" every few seconds, and throwing things around.  
  
Maggie and Charlie are sat in the middle of it, calmly playing chess. One of the cushions off the sofa sails past Maggie's head, but he's so deep in thought he doesn't notice.  
  
Katherine sighs and tucks her feet under her, sat in an armchair reading Kurt's autobiography. She knows Kurt won't rest until he's found Ororo and punished her in some evil, vile, violent way.  
  
Rogue is currently babysitting for Pietro and Wanda. "You see, Pietro, Ah had this operation, and what they did was--" She stops. "No. Your father wouldn't want you to know all this, would he?"  
  
"No no carry on," he says hurriedly, speaking even faster than usual.  
  
"Alright, so what the surgeon had to do was turn me into a woman." She carried on, explaining in detail, Pietro looking amazed and shocked at each thing she'd had done.  
  
Wanda, however, was sat with her back to Rogue and Pietro and was playing with something Mystique had bought her a week or so earlier to keep her quiet: A Beginners Guide To Voodoo.  
  
"And the Dad voodoo doll needs a few more pins," she's muttering. "And the Jean one probably just wants a quick thump."  
  
"Ow!" Jean yelps. "I just got this horrible pain in my stomach, like someone hit me with a cannonball or something."  
  
Wanda giggles for the first time since she arrived at the mansion. "This is the best present I ever had, apart from that Swiss army knife Dad gave me."  
  
"What a vicious little brat," Rogue mumbles to herself, hoping Wanda won't hear. "God knows what she'll be like when her powers develop."  
  
"I heard that, heshe!" she cries angrily. "Now you're going to get it!" She grabs the Rogue doll, throws it to the ground and stamps on it.  
  
"It's erm, not working," Rogue offers. "AAAARGGHHHH, okay, it's working now!"  
  
"WANDA!" Maggie yells, getting up off the floor and upsetting half the chessboard. "What have I told you about that voodoo set?"  
  
"Use it in moderation?" she asks, as he strides over to her.  
  
"Save it for enemies of the family and special occasions! Honestly Wanda, what are we going to do with you? Lock you up?"  
  
"CHAAARLIE! Dad's threatening me again!" Wanda yells.  
  
Kurt gives a howl. "Wo ist sie?"  
  
"Do you give up?" Jean asks, her eyes glinting maliciously. "Do you want to know where she is?"  
  
"Ja, ja, JA! Tell me!" Kurt stamps his foot in frustration.  
  
"No, I'm sorry, Kurt, but I love Ororo, and if I was to turn her in to you, with you full of murderous rage as you are, that just wouldn't be a nice thing to do."  
  
"Jean Grey, you are the most annoying, irritating, and--damn, that's as far as my English vocabulary goes."  
  
"Loyal?" Katherine suggests.  
  
"Loy--no! Oh, you're so MEAN!!! All of you! She stole my ice cream! And I'm going to find her! She's hiding in the shed where she always is, isn't she?"  
  
Jean nods.  
  
"Well, I'm going to go and make her wish she'd never stolen that ice cream!" He stamps up to the glass patio doors and walks into them. "Okay, who cleaned those windows?"  
  
"I did! Duh, I've been spring-cleaning, 'Crawler," Maggie says. "Perhaps if you just open the door now?"  
  
"Yes, okay. Erm, where's the key, Maggie?"  
  
"One word. Bamf, Kurt, bamf."  
  
"That's three words!" Bamf. 


	16. Time spent together in a shed is time we...

"MAAAARRRGGGHHHH! Bamfing hell, Kurt! You gotta warn people before you just bamf in like that!"  
  
"Es tut mir leid, Fraulein. Wait, I came here to kill you, not apologize!"  
  
"Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. Sit down. Here. And hold my torch for me, it's dark in here, and I'll explain, O Fuzzy One."  
  
Kurt sits down on the blanket and pulls some of it over his knees, huddling against the wall away from Ororo.  
  
"Hang on, let me light a few candles on this shelf, and then you can turn the torch off."  
  
"Er, okay." He waits until she's finished lighting up a few candles and then turns to her with wet eyes. "Why did you take my ice cream, Ororo? I thought you were my friend!"  
  
She sniffs and starts feeling bad instantly. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I can't even remember why I was mad at you. I'm sorry, 'Crawler! I'll never do it again!" She begins to sob uncontrollably and then throws her arms around Kurt. "Can you ever forgive me?"  
  
"Two things. One, let go of me, and two, buy me more ice cream. Double what you took."  
  
"Okay, okay. And then you'll forgive me?"  
  
"I already have, liebschen."  
  
[A/N: Uh oh. Kurt and Ororo, alone in a shed. Cuddled up together. Oh dear.]  
  
Ororo smiles. "Goodie. We're friends again, my little German one?"  
  
"Ja."  
  
"I see what they're all on to with this fur-stroking thing," Ororo says, gently touching Kurt's arm.  
  
He shudders. "Uh uh. No touching."  
  
"Well, that could make it very difficult to--" She stops. "Oh, I'm sorry!!! Kurt, I didn't mean to jump at you like that, I'm not trying to..."  
  
"It's okay! Don't worry. Hey, your shed is quite... cosy."  
  
"I know, I spent ages doing it up nice," Ororo agrees. "Look, I put a couple of posters up too."  
  
"Superman? You're even more of a traitor than Jean thinks," Kurt comments.  
  
"Yeah, well don't tell her, okay?" Ororo reaches over for a flask of hot chocolate. "It's pretty cold in here, you want some?"  
  
"Mm, alright."  
  
"Look," Ororo smirks. "Logan's forgotten to close his curtains, and he's got the light on."  
  
Kurt looks up through the shed window and snorts with laughter. "You think we should go tell him and the Captain?"  
  
"Nahh, why should we?" Ororo shrugs. "This is much more fun."  
  
"Oh, honestly Ororo, you have such a sick mind sometimes," Kurt says, trying not to laugh.  
  
"I know." She shivers. "It's really cold, isn't it?"  
  
"Nein, es ist okay."  
  
"If you got fur," Ororo replies. "You're so lucky."  
  
"That's what you'd think."  
  
"Why? What's wrong with it? Oh, I guess it's hell in the summer, isn't it?"  
  
"Ja, but it's nicht that. I just have this problem with people touching my fur."  
  
Ororo shuffles over slightly.  
  
Meanwhile, Katherine is peering over her reading glasses at Jean. "Jean, aren't you worried about Ororo?"  
  
"No, she can stand up for herself. I'm just wondering why I haven't heard Kurt screaming in pain yet."  
  
"Well, maybe they're not fighting."  
  
"Look, I'm the psychic one, okay? They will be in there killing each other."  
  
Back in the shed, Kurt and Ororo are busy swapping deepest darkest secrets.  
  
"When I was little, I had an imaginary friend called Bob," Ororo says, remembering fondly, clutching the cup of hot chocolate.  
  
"Hey, I had an imaginary friend called Magdalena," Kurt smiles nostalgically.  
  
"Magdalena?!?"  
  
"I grew up in Germany, Ororo."  
  
She shuffles about a bit, trying to get comfortable. "Do you think anyone would mind if I brought one or two of the beanbags out here??? This floor's really hard."  
  
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind, 'Ro-ro. Not for you."  
  
"Aww, you're such a sweet little fuzzy elf!"  
  
"Knock it off, Ororo," Kurt says sternly. "What would Jean say?"  
  
"She'd probably say, 'You're turning me on, Ororo.'"  
  
"If that's what you think." Kurt shrugs.  
  
"What's taking them so long?" Jean asks crossly. "All he needed to do was bamf in, attempt to hurt Ororo, her turn her powers on him, and then they could both come back indoors."  
  
"Well, I don't know. I never knew Kurt was any good at writing, did you?"  
  
"He is?"  
  
"Yes, he's been writing an autobiography. He ought to get this published. He'd make a lot of money, since everyone loves him so much."  
  
Wanda is sat on the floor, sulking since Maggie took her voodoo kit away. Pietro is writing a letter to his mother.  
  
"Wanda's being a pain, as usual," he's muttering as he writes. "She says she's older than me but I know better. I'm the--" He looks up. "How do you spell 'oldest', Jean?"  
  
"Absolutely no idea. Katherine will know, Katherine knows everything. She's a doctor."  
  
"It's O-L-D-E-S-T, Pietro," she says, giving Jean a dirty look.  
  
"Oldest. Katherine the doctor is helping me with my spelling. I want to be a doctor when I grow up now..." he trails off, but carries on writing.  
  
"You're writing about me, aren't you?" Wanda demands. "Daaaaaaaaaaaaad, Pietro's writing mean things!"  
  
"All I wrote was, 'Wanda is insane and keeps trying to kill things. There's a row of dead bugs, birds, and a mouse next to Logan's bed where she was sleeping.' That's not mean, it's true."  
  
"But it's MEAN! I'm going to hurt you, Pietro!"  
  
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!"  
  
"Not getting involved."  
  
"But Daaaaaaaaad! Wanda's going to hit me! Ow!"  
  
"Waaanda," Jean warns. "It's not nice to try to bite your brother."  
  
Wanda mumbles, "He started it," but sits back down.  
  
"Do you often have other people in your shed?" Kurt asks.  
  
"Never. Well, Jean's been in here once or twice. But not for long."  
  
"Should I leave then?"  
  
"No, no. You can stay. I like having you in here."  
  
"Er, thanks."  
  
There's an awkward pause.  
  
"It's quite cold. We could," Kurt shrugs in an offhand way, "Bamf back to my room, if you like."  
  
"Or stay here. It's very comfortable, if you cuddle up really close."  
  
That's all I've got to say for tonight. Just use your imagination, yeah?  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Morning, everyone! It's going to be a groovy day, I can just tell. Well, I am psychic, you know."  
  
"I can control the weather but you don't hear me bragging," Ororo mutters.  
  
"Is something the matter, Ororo?" Jean looks at her across the breakfast table, worried.  
  
"Well, see, thing is Jean, I've got some... kind of bad news."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Could I tell you in private?"  
  
"I guess so. You want to go to our room?"  
  
"No, let's go out in the garden."  
  
"Ororo, it's pouring with rain."  
  
"Hello? Weather Witch, at your service."  
  
And so out came the sun and Jean and Ororo go for a little jaunt around the grounds.  
  
"Jean, look, this isn't easy to say or anything. We've known each other for a long time, and I think... no, see, what it is... you remember last night?"  
  
"You ate Kurt's ice cream, he got mad and tried to kill you. Oh, and Wanda was her usual murderous self. Nothing remarkable about it."  
  
"And I slept in my room, Jean."  
  
"And you slept in your room, yes, Ororo, and not mine... why was that?"  
  
Ororo pauses and looks down at the ground. She opens her mouth, hesitates, and closes it again. She unhooks her arm from Jean's. "Me and Kurt had this conversation."  
  
"So? So what, Ororo? It's just Kurt." Jean realises what Ororo's about to say, panics, and starts babbling on randomly. "He's gay! Or with Katherine! And you're gay! If you had a chat in a shed it doesn't matter! And if you-- if you did anything more that doesn't matter either, because I did the same thing! Is this is revenge because I did that thing with Kurt then fair enough Ororo, and I can forgive you and we can go back to normal, right?"  
  
"Jean, Jean, Jean! Shut up and listen! Me and Kurt--yes, stuff did happen. And we've decided, me and him, we want to get together. So, me and you, we're... there is no me and you."  
  
Jean stares at Ororo for a few moments and then just turns heel and stomps off.  
  
"Well, that went well."  
  
Meanwhile, Kurt is having a similar conversation with Katherine.  
  
"It's not that I don't like you, but... I don't get creeped out when Ororo touches me. You can be my best friend, if you want, and you can still be my psychiatrist, it's just that now I'm going out with Ororo and not you."  
  
"Oh." Katherine shrugs casually. "Well. I guess that's okay. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine with that. Really. It's good. Great. I'm glad you're happy, Kurt."  
  
"Nooo," Rogue howls, pounding the table. "No Kurt, you can't!"  
  
"Vhy not?"  
  
"Because Ah want to--never mind. Ah'll plot a way to get what Ah want."  
  
"Vhatever."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Jean?"  
  
"Katherine?"  
  
The two of them both sigh and sit down on the bench. They've both been wandering around the garden, not noticing each other.  
  
"Are you okay?" Katherine asks tentatively. "I mean, about Ororo."  
  
She shrugs. "Well, I haven't slit my wrists yet."  
  
"That's er, good."  
  
"I'm just plotting revenge though."  
  
"Oh, not revenge, revenge was what started this all off!"  
  
"How the hell would you know that?" Jean asks in awe.  
  
"I pay attention to stuff."  
  
"It's not really worth bothering. Okay, so no revenge. What am I going to do with myself now I don't have Ororo around all the time?"  
  
"Well, you still live with her," Katherine points out. "You could always follow her around everywhere and send her notes and tell her you love her."  
  
"And then she'd get me arrested for stalking her. But I want her back, Katherine. I do love her! I need to get her back."  
  
"Get together with Rogue. Rogue's plotting to get Kurt, so together you could break them up!"  
  
"Oh, fantastic!" Jean grins. "It's the perfect way to make Rogue a proper part of the team and really get to know her!"  
  
[A/N: Huh? I didn't plan this AT ALL... I'm worried now.]  
  
Katherine sighs. "And I'll still be all alone."  
  
"Don't worry, you'll find someone, one day."  
  
"Yes, but it's not fair. Logan has Captain America," she glances up at Logan's bedroom window, where both Logan and the Captain are right now, " Charlie has Maggie, you'll have Jean and Rogue will have Kurt..."  
  
"Have you tried looking outside the X-Men?"  
  
"Yes! His name was Peter Parker and he's locked in our basement!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry." 


	17. Singing, showers, and the first death

And, let's just skip a day because nothing happened, and get to tomorrow, where...  
  
"Ohhhh what a beautiful morning..."  
  
"LOGAN! Hurry up and get out the bathroom so I can use it!" Jean howls. "You've been in there twenty minutes already!"  
  
"Ohhh what a beautiful day--just coming, Jean--I've got a beautiful feeling..."  
  
"Logan, I never knew you could sing," Jean comments, standing outside the bathroom door holding a towel.  
  
"Lots of things you don't know, Jeanie."  
  
"Well, just hurry up, alright?"  
  
Logan pulls the door open and Jean nearly falls in. "Thank you!"  
  
Logan shrugs and wanders back to his room, whistling. Captain America follows him out of the bathroom.  
  
"Got any more guys hidden in the shower, Logan?"  
  
"Just this one."  
  
"What is up with him?" Jean asks herself. "He's never sung before. Certainly not 'Oh what a beautiful morning'."  
  
[A/N: Anyone else see Hugh Jackman on Parkinson?!]  
  
Meanwhile, Rogue is plotting. Again. Kurt is adding another chapter to his autobiography, but he hasn't got out of bed yet. Logan and the Captain are in Logan's room, so let's not mention them. Maggie and Charlie are watching Jerry Springer. Jean is in the shower, of course, and Ororo is watching Kurt write. The twins are in their new room, a room Ororo had been using to hoard old TV guides that she had to throw out when Captain America moved into Logan's room and what was going on in there was no longer suitable for the eyes of ten-year-olds. Anyway. The twins are now arguing over their bunk beds. Pietro, who had the bottom one last night, now wants to swap over so he can have the top one, but Wanda thinks she should have it all the time. Now they're fighting. Wanda has just hit Pietro with a hardback book, and Pietro says it wasn't fair.  
  
"Wanda it's not fair! You can't do that! It's cheating and I'm going to tell Dad on you because you're mean to me and unfair and I hate you Wanda."  
  
When Pietro's agitated he talks even faster.  
  
"Well, if you want, I could hit you with something harder."  
  
"No, Wanda! It's not nice to be violent!"  
  
"Who says? You?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ha, like I care!" And she grabs the nearest object--a lamp--and hits him with it.  
  
"WAAAANDA! STOP IT!"  
  
The bathroom backs on to the twins' room. Jean hears them yelling over the running of the shower and sighs.   
  
* * * * *  
  
"So that's my plan," Jean says proudly, smiling at Rogue.  
  
"That's great! Where d'you come up with these things?"  
  
"Ororo says I have a devious mind," she grins, and then her face falls. "Well. She did." "Anyway, where can we get a really big box to fit three--I mean, two--people in?"  
  
"Ah'll ask Charlie."  
  
"Charlie's a moron, he won't know. I mean, he still gets lost in this mansion and he's lived here longer than he can remember."  
  
"So why is HE your leader?"  
  
"Free food, he lets us stay in his huge fancy house for free, and he's a great guy really. He's so open-minded about everything. Mutants, homosexuality, everything that means no one in the world would want us, and he thinks it's all great and encourages it."  
  
"Doesn't that just suggest that he's insane?"  
  
"Charlie is beyond insane. Waaay beyond it."  
  
"Okay then. Well, Ah'll ask Maggie then."  
  
She gets up and walks downstairs, Jean following.  
  
"Maggie, can Ah have a really big box so Ah can put your kids in it and ship them off to Africa?"  
  
"No! They're my kids, Rogue! Who's idea was this?"  
  
Jean and Rogue look and then point at each other.  
  
"Well, it's not very nice. What have I said about being nice to people?"  
  
"Was it, 'Anyone who gets in my way will die, I'm taking over the world'?"  
  
"After the therapy."  
  
"Oh, oh, oh!" Rogue cries. "Ah know! It was, 'those kids are annoying brats, get rid of them!'"  
  
"Sorry Mags, you started it," Jean says firmly.  
  
"Yes, well, that is beside the point. You're not to kidnap my children, put them in boxes, or anything else."  
  
"Aww, you never let us have any fun."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I've written a whole chapter about you, Ororo," Kurt smiles. "And it's the last chapter, so now I can send it off to the publisher. I'm dedicating this book to the X-Men, and I'm calling it 'My Life as an X-Man'."  
  
"What've you written in the dedication then? 'For Charlie, who got me where I am today; for Jean, thanks for that day we went to the ice cream parlour; for Katherine, my Shadowcat, for all your help with my heterophobia; for Logan, who's always been good with his hands; for Maggie, who taught me that therapy does work; for Rogue, the newest member, you'll be a great addition to the team; for the twins, who've not been in the mansion long but their mark on the furniture will always be there; and finally for Ororo, my beloved Weather Witch.' Aww, that's sweet, Kurt."  
  
He blushes. "Danke, Ororo."  
  
"But what day when you and Jean went to the ice cream parlour? I don't remember that."  
  
He blushes more. "It was erm, a long time ago."  
  
"Oh, okay. Imagine Kurt, you could make a fortune with this! What are you going to spend it all on?"  
  
"I thought maybe I could buy a decent X-Van for the team," he begins. "And then I think I'd like to buy a new bed. And a fridge for my room, so I don't have to get up to eat. And after that, who knows? I'll buy you lots of presents."  
  
"Thank you." She hugs him and then gently runs her hands along his tail.  
  
"Naughty, naughty, Ororo," he teases.  
  
"Hey, come on, you're complaining?" she pushes him backwards so he's lying down.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Where IS everyone?" Jean asks, once again forced to spend time with Katherine, since everyone else is paired up. Logan, Captain America. Ororo, Kurt. Maggie, Charlie. Wanda, Pietro. Rogue, her plans to get Kurt. "And, another question everyone should be asking, what happened to Spider-Man?"  
  
"We dumped him in the basement, remember? And then forgot all about him. Must've been at least a week since anyone gave him anything to eat or drink. Oops."  
  
"Do you think we should go down there and check on him?" Jean asks worriedly.  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Heyyy, Spidey?" Jean calls cautiously into the darkness. "Put the light on, Kitty."  
  
"I'm not called Kitty! I'm called Katherine! Sheesh, get it right, girl."  
  
"Whatever." She blinks as Katherine flicks the light on and the bulb dangling suddenly glows bright yellow. "Where is he?"  
  
"He's dead, isn't he?" Katherine asks, not all that concerned. "Hang on, let me check. I'm a doctor, you know."  
  
"Yes, I know."  
  
"Let's see... no pulse, no heartbeat, and he's freezing cold. Yes, he's dead. Hey... this is one of Rogue's gloves, isn't it?" She holds it up.  
  
"Maybe she just left it down here when she was feeding him. Unless..."  
  
"She killed him!"  
  
"Yeah, I bet she did! I bet she came down here some time, pulled her glove off, turned her power on, attacked the Spidey Dude, and then on her way out she left her glove behind. This is serious. We have to tell Charlie!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"She's a murderer, Charlie! She killed Spider-Man! She's dangerous!"  
  
"Ridiculous, Jean. She's a heshe, heshe's are groovy."  
  
"Yes, but she still killed someone!"  
  
"I think that Spider-Man probably died of starvation. Did you remember to feed him, Jean? Katherine?"  
  
"Well, no..."  
  
"I thought Kurt said he was going to do it for me," Katherine lies.  
  
"You're both murderers too!" Charlie cries cheerfully. "And Ororo's always going for old people, you know how they annoy her, and the animals round here don't stand a chance when Kurt's behind the wheel of the X-Van."  
  
"Oh, well, I guess so," Jean says, considering.  
  
"And we didn't even like him anyway. But, we ought to have a funeral because that is the right and proper thing to do. Also, funerals are groovy." 


	18. The FUNeral

And so, the very next day, Maggie's big box is put to good use and the X- Men hold a small funeral for Spider-Man, right after Captain America announces he has to leave. Logan bursts into tears.  
  
"It'll be okay. Be brave, Logan. I'll write to you, if I get a chance. And I'll always been thinking of you."  
  
"I'll miss you so much!" Logan howls. "I love you! Don't go!"  
  
"I don't want to go, but I have to!"  
  
"Stop being dramatic," Katherine says firmly. "Have you got all your bags packed, Captain?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Have you got your passport?"  
  
"I think so. Yes."  
  
"And you took your toothbrush from the bathroom?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good. Well, farewell, good luck."  
  
The X-Men gather by the door to wave the Captain into his taxi. Logan is sniffing into a handkerchief.  
  
"Good luck!"  
  
"Have fun!"  
  
"Auf wiedersehen!"  
  
But now, on to the funeral.  
  
"Can we stop digging yet?" Kurt asks, panting.  
  
"Yeah, it only needs to be six foot deep, Charlie. Why do we have to do the digging, anyway?" Logan demands, resting on his shovel.  
  
"Well, I can't do it, I'm crippled. You seem to be the strongest members of the team. Keep going, it needs to be a bit deeper."  
  
"Just get on with the service bit," Logan argues. "Maggie?"  
  
"Just remember," Charlie butts in, "You can't spell funeral without fun!"  
  
"You have to do it properly!" Rogue insists. "You have to be sad at a funeral."  
  
Logan sniffs and then gives a wail.  
  
"Well done, Logan," Rogue agrees.  
  
"Maggie," Katherine prompts.  
  
"Oh yes. We are gathered here today," he says seriously, "To pay our final respects to Peter Parker, known to many as Spider-Man. He was also known to many as the greatest superhero in America, although that's clearly not true."  
  
"You're only allowed to say how wonderful people are at their funerals!" Rogue wails angrily.  
  
"Okay. Everyone, take it in turns to say something nice about him. Katherine, you go first."  
  
"Well, he was good at making out," Katherine offers. "What? He was!"  
  
"He was more popular than us," Jean says sadly. "But we defeated him, haha- -I'm sorry, Rogue." She puts on her "proper funeral face".  
  
"Ah never knew him, but Ah know he was everything a real superhero should be," Rogue says solemnly.  
  
They turn to Logan, who's stood next to Rogue. He's still thinking. "He wasn't bad at fighting, for a runty little radioactive kid."  
  
"He had a good costume," Ororo adds. "Well, better than our first uniforms, anyway."  
  
"He was good looking," Kurt says.  
  
"I never knew him but I hate him," Wanda says, giving the box a kick.  
  
"He was really cool and I had an action figure of him once," Pietro says, smiling at the memory. "Hey, Wanda, did you steal my Spider-Man figure?"  
  
"No," she lies. What she actually did was shove him in Mystique's microwave and watch him melt.  
  
"He was groovy," Charlie says.  
  
"He was smart enough to try and hide in our X-Mansion when he was hiding from us," Maggie finishes. "What do we do next?"  
  
"Let's talk about the most important day in X-Men/Spider-Man history. The day we kidnapped him," Katherine offers.  
  
"Can I do it?" Logan asks. "Well, it was a wet evening, and we were all full of angry, murderous rage. We all went out in the X-Van to kidnap the Spidey-Kid. As Maggie said, after we chased him around town he came back to our mansion and that's where we trapped him. There, I sniffed him out and fought him, and tied him up."  
  
"You did not!" Katherine cries. "I fought him, and then I pulled a bookcase over on him!"  
  
"I did it!" Logan growls.  
  
"No, I did!" Katherine yells, kneeing him where it hurts. He bends over double.  
  
"Ow, Katherine! Alright, alright, you did it!"  
  
"If you can't behave at the funeral, then go inside," Maggie instructs.  
  
"Fine then, I will," Katherine says huffily, turns round, and stomps back towards the house, Logan following her.  
  
"So it WAS me who caught Spider-Man, yes?"  
  
"Will you knee me in the balls again if I say no?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"It was all down to you. Everyone bow down and worship the great goddess Katherine."  
  
"That's a bit better."  
  
"Well, what else can I do?"  
  
They've reached the doors and are going back inside.  
  
"Well, there is one thing, Logan..."  
  
"Erm, Katherine, that's my hand you're holding..."  
  
"Yes, I know."  
  
"So what do you want?"  
  
"Take me to your room and I'll show you."  
  
"Katherine..."  
  
"Do you want me to hurt you again?"  
  
"Okay, okay."  
  
Back to the funeral.  
  
"Just get the box in the hole and shove some dirt on the top so we can go back inside, I'm cold," Jean shivers, shoving her hands into her armpits and stamping her feet.  
  
"Alright, alright. Kurt, Maggie, put the box in the hole," Charlie commands.  
  
"I'm too old and I have arthritis," Maggie protests. "Make Ororo do it."  
  
"Ororo, do it. Hey, wait, you don't have arthritis!"  
  
"No, I don't, but I'm not lifting great big heavy boxes." Maggie folds his arms.  
  
"Quit arguing!" Ororo interrupts. "Come on then Kurt, let's get this over with."  
  
"Why? I didn't kill him."  
  
"You all helped kill him, just get the box in the hole."  
  
Ororo drags the box along, complaining the whole time. "It's not fair... I hate you all, especially you Charlie, I'm going to run away and leave you and never come back because you were so mean, I didn't become an X-Man to do manual labour, I don't see why I should have to suffer..."  
  
"Groovy," Charlie replies.  
  
"No, it's not! Charlie, I quit!"  
  
"Then I quit too," Kurt adds.  
  
"Hey, I want to quit three!" Jean says, not to be outdone. "It's too cold, you're not making me do this anymore."  
  
Rogue, wanting to fit in, says, "Ah'm not stayin' if they're not."  
  
"You're going on strike!" Charlie grins. "Groovy!"  
  
"Nicht groovy, Professor Xavier."  
  
And with that, Rogue, Jean, Kurt and Ororo turn and storm out of the garden.  
  
"Heyyy!" Wanda calls after them. "I wanna go too! I hate Charlie as much as you do!"  
  
Jean groans.  
  
"Let the kid come, Jeanie," Ororo growls under her breath.  
  
Pietro looks from Charlie to Maggie and then to Charlie again. "Are they ever coming back, Dad? Charlie?"  
  
Charlie shrugs. "I don't know. Hang on, let me see what Katherine and Logan are up to."  
  
He puts his hands to his head to increase his psychic ability (or just give the impression that that's what he's doing), but Katherine comes stomping out of the back doors, yelling.  
  
"Logan, I don't care! I hate you! And--where the hell are the others going?"  
  
"They hate me and they're leaving to never come back," Charlie explains.  
  
"Suits me. I'm going. You can go die somewhere, Logan!" She follows the others out the gate into the street and onto who-knows-where.  
  
Logan follows her out, holding his hands out in a "what did I do?" gesture. "Problems, Charlie?"  
  
"No, no problems," he smiles. "A few short tempers blown, that's all. Oh, and we're down to four X-Men, including one ten year old, and one psychopath--"  
  
"Ex-psychopath," Maggie says sternly. "I had therapy."  
  
"Ex-psychopath. But that's cool. Hey, anyone feel like a party?" 


	19. The Party and Bender's House

And so, they're having a party. Not a very successful one, it has to be said. Logan's drinking and Charlie's drinking and Maggie's drinking a little, and Pietro is sitting on the floor with Wanda's voodoo kit in front of him, missing his sister.  
  
"Is Wanda ever coming back, Dad?"  
  
Maggie sighs tiredly, as if he's been asking that question about fifty times already. Which he has. "I don't know."  
  
"And what about Jean? I liked Jean. She was pretty and she let me teach her how to cook. Is she coming back?"  
  
"I don't know, Pietro."  
  
"Does Charlie know then?"  
  
"No," Charlie says distractedly. Maggie is trying to teach him to knit, but he's not all that coordinated at the best of times, and now he's had a bit too much to drink. He puts the needles down and picks up his glass again.  
  
Logan sighs. He's attempting to write a letter to Captain America but the floor around him is littered with crumpled pieces of paper.  
  
"Logan, sir? Can I read your letter?" Pietro enquires, picking one of them up.  
  
"NO! I mean, no, no, I'd rather you didn't."  
  
"Perhaps we should all go to bed," Maggie says tiredly. "I'm not in the mood for a party anymore."  
  
"No, me neither," Charlie agrees. "Logan, could you put Pietro to bed?"  
  
"Why? He isn't my kid!"  
  
"No, but he likes you best."  
  
"Yes, I do, Uncle Logan, you're my favourite mutant in the whole world!"  
  
Logan groans. "Alright then, kid, come along." He thuds out of the room and up the stairs, Pietro bouncing behind him.  
  
"Do you want a drink before you go to sleep?" Logan asks.  
  
"No. I want a bedtime story. Tell me a story, Uncle Logan."  
  
"I'm not your uncle, you stupid brat!"  
  
Pietro's eyes go all wide and then he sniffs.  
  
"Oh, no kid, don't cry, come on, I didn't mean it, I was just... alright, I'll tell you a story. What do you want a story about?"  
  
"About mutants. About powerful mutants who run the country and make all the rules and--"  
  
"Hey, kid, I got an idea. Why don't you tell me a story?"  
  
"Can I?" Pietro looks amazed. "It's a really good story. In it, there's a president, his name is," he looks proud, "Magneto. He's my dad, you know. He's the president of the USA. And in the country, all the people are mutants. Every single one. Even the little ones. And all the rules and the laws are made for mutants, and when my dad gets bored of being president, I'm going to be president."  
  
"That's great, Pietro."  
  
"Yes, and it's really going to happen! Dad said--"  
  
"Okay, okay, that's enough for tonight. Now put your pyjamas on and go to sleep."  
  
As soon as Pietro has pulled the covers over himself, Logan goes to turn the light out.  
  
"No! Don't do that! I'm scared of the dark," Pietro says, huddled under the blanket. "Put my nightlight on first, please."  
  
"Alright. God, I'm glad I'm never having kids. Goodnight, Pietro."  
  
"Goodnight, Uncle Logan."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Good morning, Uncle Logan!"  
  
"Urgh... Pietro?"  
  
"Yes, it's me!"  
  
"What are you doing sitting on me? And what time is it?"  
  
"It's half six, time to get up!"  
  
"Urggghhh, no, go away!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I want to get some sleep, kid."  
  
"But I want you to get up, Uncle Logan!"  
  
"Don't call me that! And get off me!"  
  
"Logan... can you make me breakfast? I want to have baked beans out of a tin and I want you to open the tin with your claws, okay?"  
  
"Later, Pietro."  
  
"Now, Logan."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Awww, why not?"  
  
"Because I want to get some sleep! Go and bother your father."  
  
"I did. He was lip-wrestling with Charlie."  
  
"Please kiddo, not that image this early in the morning."  
  
"I'm sorry. Can you get up now?"  
  
"No, you're sitting on me!"  
  
"Sorry. Should I get off?"  
  
"Yes. I'm not cut out for this babysitting stuff. Go and pester someone else."  
  
"There is no one else."  
  
"Oh, right, yeah, they all left. Go play on Cerebro then."  
  
"What's Cerebro?"  
  
"It's a big computer. It has pinball and solitaire, and I think Charlie was going to put The Sims on it too. It's the third door on the left after the kitchen. You'll need the door password, which is 'socks', and the computer password, which is 'veggie', and if you want you can check the emails, the password for that is 'bananarama'."  
  
"Socks, veggie, bananarama. Got it. Bye, Uncle Logan."  
  
* * * * *  
  
It's now ten past ten, and Logan is asleep. Pietro is busy playing around on the computer, and decides to check the emails.  
  
"Oh, wow! Twenty-seven emails!" he grins. "Right, let's see... 'thex- men@hotmail.com, would you like to see hardc--'" His eyes widen in surprise. "No! What else is there... free shipping on cheese, free printer cartridges, stalk your neighbours, celebrity email address, hmm... who on earth is Bender?"  
  
He clicks up the email and it appears on the ten-foot high screen in front of him. "Oh, it's from auntie Jean!"  
  
'Yo, Logan,  
  
Just wanted to tell you that we've found a new superhero team. It's great. I mean, sure, Bender's not as crazy as Charlie, nor does she have a house quite as big, and she doesn't even have as much drink hidden away, but she doesn't make us do manual labour in the freezing cold. And she's cute. We're having a big party soon, I'd like to invite you but Katherine says she wants to put you through a sausage machine and Wanda wants to have all of your heads on spikes. So it would be a bit tense. If you have pleasing gifts, Wanda is willing to forgive you, but Katherine won't say what you've done and refuses to forget it. Well, have fun!!!  
  
Lotsa luv, Jeanie (and Kurt, Ororo, Rogue and Bender. Various death threats from Katherine and Wanda)'  
  
"Bender. I wanna go to a party! And I want to meet Bender and see Jean and Ororo and Fuzzball and Heshe again!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
While, on the other side of town and a few hours later, Jean is just getting up. She can vaguely smell breakfast. Bender is in the kitchen, wearing a hippy apron, singing and thoroughly enjoying having people to cook proper breakfasts for. Kurt is standing next to her, drooling over the bacon in his boxer shorts. Ororo is sat at the kitchen table, trying to think of a way to ask Bender about a problem. Rogue is in the shower, singing. And Wanda is watching cartoons on TV, pining for her voodoo kit.  
  
"Bender, can I ask you something?" Ororo asks tentatively.  
  
"Sure, babe. Go ahead. What is it?"  
  
"Well, you know in some countries they allow men to have more than one wife... well, see, you know how I'm like, sort of a pendulum, as in I swing both ways..."  
  
"We all do darling, we all do," Bender laughs.  
  
"Yes, well, see, do you think it would be fair if I had a male partner and a female one, sort of like at the same time?"  
  
"Hell, yeah!" Bender grins. "Let me guess. You miss Jean?" Last night everyone swapped life stories. Bender's went, "I'm a British hippy, with a groovy mutant gift. Oh, and I inherited a lot of money from my rich uncle so I bought a mansion in New York." Everyone else's were slightly longer.  
  
"Yes," Ororo looks sad. "I miss her. But I love Kurt too."  
  
Kurt glances up, hearing his name being mentioned. "Vas, Ororo?"  
  
"Do you mind sharing me with Jean?"  
  
Kurt pauses for a moment. "Will there be threesomes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Great then. That's fine."  
  
"You're very lucky that both of them are so understanding," Bender says.  
  
"Well, Kurt is. As for Jean... we'll have to wait and see."  
  
Right on cue, Jean opens the door and walks in. "My telepathy tells me you were talking about me."  
  
"No, Jeanie, you were eavesdropping again," Kurt says pointedly. "But Ororo has something to ask you."  
  
"Okay, okay. Jean, I love Kurt and everything, but I want to go out with you again. Please?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aww, Jean, you're really mean."  
  
"Poetry?" Kurt asks.  
  
"I did not mean for that to RHYME! Jean, please go out with me, I love you."  
  
"No, Ororo," Jean says, still angry about being dumped for a blue fuzzball. "You love Kurt."  
  
"That too! Please Jean. Please. Please."  
  
"No, Ororo. NO, no lightning!"  
  
Ororo sighs. "But you never do what I want unless I shock you. No one does."  
  
"Life's like that, Ro-ro," Bender says cheerfully. "Maybe you should just leave Jean until she misses you enough that she comes back to you."  
  
"She won't ever," Ororo says stubbornly. There's a crash from the sitting room.  
  
"Vanda just threw a vase at the television," Kurt says informatively.  
  
"Well done, Wanda," Jean calls. "You broke Bender's TV."  
  
"Not just the TV," the voice comes back. "The vase is in pieces too."  
  
"Brat," Ororo mumbles. "We're sorry about your TV. And your vase."  
  
"It was only my telly. I'll get a new one, okay? I mean, the vase, it was really expensive and all, and it was pretty sentimental too, but it's okay."  
  
"You're so laid back, Bender," Ororo says, in awe. "I wish I could be that calm. That kid would be in the emergency room by now if it'd been my TV."  
  
"Hey, you learn to just let life flow. Let's do yoga!"  
  
"Yoga?"  
  
"It's relaxing."  
  
"Let's have breakfast first," Kurt demands.  
  
An hour later, Kurt is happily sat in a yoga pose which looks completely painful and impossible, and all the others are sat in heaps on the floor.  
  
"Your poor spine, German one," Bender says, as Jean collapses on top of her.  
  
"My spine is perfectly fine."  
  
"Poetry, 'Crawler!"  
  
"I didn't mean for it to rhyme!" He howls as he falls over, on top of Rogue.  
  
"AARGHH!" squeaks Ororo, who's at the bottom. "Get off me! Please!"  
  
Kurt leaps off, using the women underneath him as springboard.  
  
"Ow! Kurt!" Rogue yelps.  
  
"Anyone seen Wanda?" Jean asks worriedly.  
  
Ororo swears loudly. "Just follow the smell of rotting carcasses."  
  
"So let her let off a little steam, breaks a few things, so? I can replace them. Maybe it'll do her good." Bender shrugs.  
  
There's a crash and a thud from upstairs.  
  
"She broke the springs in your bed, Bender," Kurt says informatively.  
  
"How do you know?" Ororo asks in awe.  
  
"My ears are not just for decoration, you know. They are very good at hearing things too."  
  
"It's okay, about my bed. There's at least six other spare beds in this place. I'll sleep somewhere else." Bender laughs. "It's nice to have a kid around the place."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Uncle Logan! Dad! Charlie dude! Guess what?!" Pietro has them all lined up on the sofa, and is standing up, addressing them. "Auntie Jeanie has found another mutant hippy with a mansion to live with!"  
  
"What?" Charlie looks worried, then confused, then distressed, then angry.  
  
"She's called Bender."  
  
Charlie falls about laughing. "Bender?"  
  
"Dad, what's funny about the word 'bender'?" Pietro asks.  
  
Maggie ignores him. "Bender... hmm... hey, isn't she that girl who was advertising in the SH Times* for mutants to be in her team?"  
  
[*Superhero Times--a newspaper.]  
  
"No idea," Charlie shrugs. "I don't read that trash."  
  
"Yeah, some British girl. Don't remember much else though."  
  
"Well, that means that we're officially a team of three mutants."  
  
"I'm a mutant too," Pietro insists. "I'll get my powers soon!"  
  
"Three proper mutants and one future mutant." 


	20. No one wants to get beat up by a blind m...

"It's lunchtime," Bender announces. "We could either fry up some more bacon, or get a takeaway."  
  
"Ohhh, you make my life full of such hard decisions!" Kurt complains. "How could I ever choose?"  
  
"Let's have a pizza," Jean suggests.  
  
"Jean, go out with me."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please Jean?"  
  
"No, Ororo!"  
  
"Please, please, please, please, please, with whipped cream on the top."  
  
"Are you hinting at something?" Jean asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, I can't do that with Kurt!" Ororo wails. "Do you know what cream tastes like with hair in it?"  
  
Kurt looks down. "I'm sorry, Ororo."  
  
"It's okay! If Jean would just--"  
  
"NO!" Jean yells. "No, no, no, and no again! I don't want to go out with you, Ororo!"  
  
"Calm down, children," Bender says calmly.  
  
"Mein Gott, it's like Charlie and Maggie morphed into one, beautiful female," Kurt comments.  
  
"So are we having pizza?" Bender queries.  
  
"Bender, you know what?" Kurt asks.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think I'm in love with you."  
  
"Kurt, can I tell you something now?" Bender asks cautiously. "You know, I have this weird idea we might be related."  
  
"Damn! Well, that's the end of that then." He pauses. "Can we have mushrooms on our pizza?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"What are we having for lunch, Uncle Logan?"  
  
"Nothing. Katherine always does the grocery shopping and Katherine is not here."  
  
"But I'm hungry, Uncle Logan."  
  
"There might be a tin of beans or something in a cupboard."  
  
Pietro bounces off into the kitchen to look for beans.  
  
Maggie yawns. Charlie reaches for the TV remote in an idle sort of way and channel hops for a few minutes. Logan sighs and then says, "God, I am so bored."  
  
"I miss the way Ororo threw tantrums every time something happened that she didn't like," Charlie says.  
  
"I miss the way she once wanted to see if bald people conduct lightning better than those with hair," Logan adds.  
  
"I don't," Charlie disagrees. "It was quite fun when she tried to get you to go out dressed in drag, Logan."  
  
"No, it wasn't! You should be more responsible and not let us drink as much, Charlie."  
  
"I miss the way Rogue would keep going, 'did you know I used to be a man?' to everyone," Maggie says quickly, to advert an argument.  
  
"I miss how Katherine got all jealous because she wasn't a pendulum."  
  
"I miss them!" Charlie wails. "We have to get them back!"  
  
Just then, the phone rings.  
  
"It's them!" Maggie shrieks. "Someone answer it!"  
  
"You answer it!" Logan and Charlie yell together.  
  
Then the phone stops ringing and Pietro walks in, holding it. "Hello? Oh. Oh, okay. You want Charlie? Yes, okay. CHARLIE! FOR YOU!" He hands the phone over to Charlie and then walks over to Logan.  
  
"Uncle Logan, I found a tin of baked beans but you don't have a can opener."  
  
"We don't need one. Here." Snickt. Logan slices the lid off with one of his claws. "Now be careful with that, because it's got very sharp edges."  
  
"Do you have a plate I could put them on? Or a microwave to heat them in?"  
  
"We did. But Ororo, our little scientist, did an experiment which involved explosions and a small fire. And then suddenly we didn't have a microwave anymore."  
  
"Oh." Pietro nods understandingly. "At Mystique's house Wanda put my hamster in the microwave. She said it exploded. Mystique had to buy a new one. She put my Spider-Man action figure in the microwave too, though she says she didn't. And she put some of my Lego in a toaster."  
  
"I wondered why our toaster stopped working," Maggie says.  
  
Charlie puts the phone down, yelling rubbish at everyone. "That was--he said--we can--there's--mission--we have to--fire--"  
  
"Slow down, Charlie."  
  
"It was a man who wanted us to help him. He saw one of our fliers! He lives on the other side of town. Come on, uniforms on, ready the van, let's go-go-go!"  
  
"I'm the only one with a uniform," Logan says pointedly. "And I don't even like it."  
  
"Well, to the X-Mobile!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"What's wrong with the engine?" Charlie cries. "Why won't it start?"  
  
"Have you got the key in?" Maggie asks patiently. He and Charlie are sat in the front, and Pietro and Logan in the back.  
  
"Yes, of course I have! I'm not stupid!"  
  
"You filled it up?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Who was the last one to drive it?"  
  
"Well, Crawler Dude, I think. He tends to take the motor flat out, so... oh, if only Katherine were here, she's good at fixing engines!"  
  
"We can do this, Charlie. I know you can. There must be an easy way to fix this."  
  
"You have to turn the key to start the engine, don't you?" Charlie says, suddenly realising.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
He turns the key and the engine roars into life. And grunts, and groans, and clanks too. "We're coming to the rescue!"  
  
They drive across town, and arrive in the street that Charlie was instructed to go to.  
  
"What a dump," Logan says. "And why did he want us down a dark alley? There doesn't look like any rescuing needs to be done here."  
  
"Someone wanted our help. We have to give it to them! We said on our fliers that we would, if we don't they might sue us!"  
  
They park the X-Van and climb out, though Pietro is warned to stay inside. There's no one around, apart from a blind man with a white stick, which is red, but it's a white stick, if you get me.  
  
"You ask him if it was him who called," Charlie whispers.  
  
"No, you!"  
  
"Oh, for goodness sake, I'll go." Logan sighs. "Hello?"  
  
The man doesn't reply, just flicks his cane/white stick/red stick/oh you know what I mean and whacks Logan over the head with it, and then proceeds to beat Logan up.  
  
"Am I allowed to hit back?" Logan calls to Charlie. "I mean, he's blind! But it's self defence!"  
  
"Kill him!" Charlie yells, getting into the spirit of it.  
  
"Who?" Logan asks, but gets his claws out pronto. But Logan's great strength, his claws, and his years of combat experience are no match for the blind man's speed, and he can't get a single hit. The blind man is hitting but Logan is healing and no one is winning.  
  
"Die, damn you!" the blind man yells.  
  
"Why are you picking on me?" Logan wails. "What have I ever done?"  
  
The blind man stops, flicks his stick, and Logan finds himself with his hands tied. "There. Now you're not going anywhere, I will explain. I am Daredevil, the man without fear--"  
  
"I know, I know, I saw the movie posters."  
  
"Yes. And you're one of those X-Men."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And one of the X-Men wrote a really nasty article about me and got it published, and rather than suing you like anyone else would, I'd much rather trick you into a dark alley and then beat you up, because no proud superhero likes to be beaten by a blind man. Now I've explained, let me finish beating you up."  
  
And so he continues, now with Logan tied up so he can't fight back.  
  
"This is unfair! Katherine isn't even one of the X-Men anymore!"  
  
"They all say that," Daredevil replies.  
  
"Somebody help me!" he yells. "A blind man is kicking my butt in a fight!"  
  
"NEIN!" yells a voice, leaping into the alley. "No one beats up my friends!" And so Kurt appears, and kicks Daredevil in the face. "Ha! Hi- yaa!"  
  
As Kurt gets busy kicking Daredevil's butt, Katherine helps to untie Logan, and Bender says hello to Charlie.  
  
"You're not mad at me then?" Logan asks hopefully.  
  
"Of course I am! But Kurt told me to come and untie you."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm quite capable of doing it myself."  
  
"Go on then."  
  
Logan fiddles about with the string, trying to break free, and failing miserably.  
  
"Hey, are you the leader of the X-Men? I'm Bender."  
  
"No, I'm just a random wheelchair dude," Charlie replies. "Well, I got them together. I don't do much work though."  
  
"Hey, that's cool. I mostly just cook for these guys. Kurt quite likes bacon, doesn't he?"  
  
"When Ororo cooked at our place he used to drool over the frying pan."  
  
"Yes, he does that to me." Bender grins. "They're great, all of them. Katherine, and Kurt, and Ororo and Jean, and Rogue, and Wanda. Wanda's a little difficult, but once you get used to her smashing everything and killing things, she's not so bad."  
  
"That nice, but we miss them and we're having them back," Charlie informs her.  
  
"What if they don't want to go back?" Bender asks.  
  
"We're kidnapping them! Get them, Logan! Maggie! Pietro!"  
  
There's a struggle, but somehow all the X-Men plus Bender end up in the van, and they drive away, 'Crawler driving. Daredevil is left unconscious in the alley. "We have to get home, and soon!" Kurt cries, thumping the accelerator.  
  
"Maaaarrgggghh! Kurt!" Ororo yells.  
  
"Slow down, you freak of nature!" Logan yells.  
  
"I can't slow down, we're nearly at a corner! You speed up round corners, right?"  
  
"NOOOO!" everyone howls, but he does anyway. Everyone's thrown to one side of the van, Jean on Ororo, Logan on Katherine, Kurt on Bender, Pietro on Rogue.  
  
"We're all gonna die!" Rogue shrieks, and Maggie starts praying.  
  
Bender and Charlie scream, happily enjoying the trip.  
  
"Someone stop this maniac!" Jean yells.  
  
There's suddenly a siren behind them, and flashing blue lights.  
  
"Oooh, scheisse! The police!" Kurt yells. "Only one thing for it! We have to drive FASTER!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ororo yells. "Kurt, please, I'm begging you, I want to live!"  
  
"You haven't lived until you've been in a vehicle with 'Crawler driving," Charlie says.  
  
"I think you mean you won't live long!" Katherine cries. "What are we going to do?"  
  
"Think, people, think!" Charlie yells. "There's got to be a way out of this that doesn't involve suicide or jail!"  
  
"There isn't," Katherine says after a moment. "But the question is, do we just turn Kurt in, or do we all take the blame and do the right thing and all go to jail?"  
  
"Drop Kurt in it!" Ororo yells, and everyone agrees.  
  
"We have a jar of bail money, remember?" Katherine reminds them. "Come on Kurt, stop! We'll pay your bail, the worst that could happen is you spend a night in jail."  
  
"Never! We're going to do this the illegal way!"  
  
"He got his reckless streak off you, Charlie," Logan says. "And I really think I'm going to throw up."  
  
"No!" Wanda squeals. "Don't throw up on me!"  
  
"Kurt, STOP! I demand it!" Bender yells.  
  
"No!" Kurt gives a maniac laugh. "You can't stop me!"  
  
"Hello? Telepaths? Little help?" Katherine asks.  
  
"Oh, right. Yeah. Use my mind control to make Kurt stop." Charlie looks sheepish. "Okay, I guess."  
  
And so Kurt slams the breaks on, and somehow manages to ram into the back of an ice cream van. "Oops."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------  
  
Hehe. Stuff's happening, at last!!! I hope you enjoyed that. And my brother's friend, who only read a short bit of this, calls it "sub-reality stupidity", which I think sums it up pretty good. Oh, and this is chapter twenty, happy twentieth birthday lovely fic!!! Haha. Oh, and Bender is my own creation, not a Marvel character. 


	21. Interesting uses for Ororo's underwear a...

And then they noticed the police cars speeding by, after someone else. "Yes! I'm not going to jail!" Kurt cries happily. "But I just smashed up an ice cream van, so if you don't mind, I'm just going to reverse out and drive us all home."  
  
And he does.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Everyone is sat around, with a drink in their hand: Bender, Charlie, Maggie, Kurt, Rogue, Katherine, Ororo, Jean, Logan, Pietro, and Wanda. Bender and Charlie are discussing leadership with Rogue, while Ororo and Jean argue over their relationship. Katherine and Kurt are talking about Kurt's heterophobia, Wanda playing with her voodoo kit, Pietro talking to his dad. Logan is happy just to watch everyone else settle back down. The house is full again and everyone seems to be friends again, except Wanda who still wants them all dead.  
  
"And another pin for Jean and two more pins for Dad and I wish I had a Bender doll." Wanda holds her Jean and Dad voodoo dolls high in the air and then drops them to the floor, still full of pins. "And as for Pietro..." She carefully takes her scissors and starts carefully slicing the limbs off.  
  
"Wanda, what have I told you about voodoo and your brother?" Maggie asks without turning around.  
  
"I wasn't, Dad, really."  
  
"Wanda, give me the doll."  
  
"Awww, Dad, you ruin all my fun."  
  
"Yes darling, that is what dads are for. Now, it's getting late, you and your brother should be off to bed."  
  
"I don't wanna go! I'm not tired!" Pietro protests.  
  
"I'll take them," Bender offers. "Come along, kids, I'll tell you a story."  
  
After the three of them leave the room, Charlie says, "What now?"  
  
"Truth or dare," Rogue says instantly.  
  
"Yay!" says Charlie enthusiastically.  
  
"Ah get to ask first because Ah wanted to play," Rogue says. "Ah choose... Jean."  
  
"No fair," Jean mumbles. "Alright. Erm... truth."  
  
[A/N: I'm so, so sorry. It's clichéd and BAD, but I couldn't help it, sooner or later it had to happen.]  
  
"Hmm..." Rogue looks thoughtful.  
  
"I've got one," Katherine offers. "Jean, where's the weirdest place you ever..." She pauses. "Did it? And who with?"  
  
"Ohhh, you're so mean!" Jean wails. "How do I choose?"  
  
"Trash can," Logan offers.  
  
"Shed," adds Ororo.  
  
"On top of a washing machine," Logan adds. "Or on Astroturf."  
  
"On a train," Charlie says wickedly.  
  
"On a train with Charlie," Jean admits. "That's the weirdest one."  
  
Rogue shudders. "Ugh. Ah mean, no offence to Charlie, but..."  
  
Jean interrupts before a fight breaks out. "I choose Logan."  
  
"I hate you, Jean."  
  
"Good. Dare, then?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Jean smirks. "Ororo's underwear."  
  
"No fair, Jeanie."  
  
"On your head."  
  
"Jean!" Logan howls. "You're cruel!"  
  
"Yes, I know. Kurt, could you fetch them for me?"  
  
"Ja, of course, Jeanie."  
  
Bamf. Few seconds. Bamf. "Here." He holds out the smallest piece of underwear he could find. He tosses it casually to Logan, who looks at it with some disgust.  
  
"Ororo, do you really wear stuff like this?"  
  
"Duh, it's mine! Yes! Who else's would it be? Kurt's?"  
  
Logan shudders. "Please, can we just get this over with? How long do I have to wear it for?"  
  
"Until the game's over," Ororo says casually, sliding off her chair onto the floor.  
  
Logan sighs and pulls it over his hair. "Okay, well, I get to choose someone now. Rogue."  
  
Rogue crosses her legs casually and pulls at a loose strand of hair. "Dare."  
  
Logan thinks hard, racking his brain for something suitably bad. "Ororo's experiments! There's a bowl in the freezer, and in it is ice cream, pizza, spaghetti, peanut butter, a couple of lettuce leaves, and some other odd bits, all mixed together. You have to eat some of it."  
  
Rogue pales for a moment but then looks brave. "Sure. Ah'll do it. No problem. Someone get the bowl and a spoon."  
  
So Kurt fetches the bowl of experiment and a spoon. Rogue carefully pulls the lid off and stares at the concoction. It's a vaguely brownish greenish greyish colour, full of odd lumps. She gulps. "Spoon, German one."  
  
Kurt hands her the spoon, shrugging. "Good luck, Southern one."  
  
She stares at the mixture, and then closes her eyes. She slowly reaches into the bowl with the spoon and pulls up a large spoonful. There's a weird slurp noise as the experiment settles again. Rogue's counting down inside her head. Three. Two. One, in. She swallows the whole spoonful in one go. She doesn't open her eyes and Kurt starts to pray for her safety.  
  
But then she reaches bravely (or stupidly, depending on how you look at it) for the spoon again, and has another mouthful. The others all cheer.  
  
After three more spoonfuls, she can't take any more. "Good enough, Logan?"  
  
"Yes," he replies weakly. "Good enough."  
  
"Great. Mah turn then. Kurt?"  
  
"Dare. Nein, truth. Dare. You choose, Rogue."  
  
Just then, Bender reappears in the doorway. "Something going on?"  
  
They all look at each other. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."  
  
To divert Bender's attention, Ororo pulls something out from under the cushion of the chair was sat on and starts playing with it.  
  
"What is that?" Jean enquires, worried, because it looks slightly pervy the way Ororo is playing with it.  
  
"Daredevil's cane," she says casually. She flicks it and a razor-sharp blade flies out the end. "Oops."  
  
"Let me get this straight. You made me drive to a dark alley where my minibus got stolen so you could beat up a blind man and steal his cane?" Bender looks absolutely amazed.  
  
"A few weeks ago, Ah would have thought the same as you, Bender. But after a while you get used to them," Rogue admits. "Ah mean, they're criminals, and they do the most awful things, but they just have different principles to most people."  
  
"You're seriously weird, all of you," Bender says in disgust, catching sight of the remains of the experiment. "I would go home, but as I said, thanks to you, my minibus got stolen."  
  
Ororo presses a button on the side of the cane and a flame springs out of the tip. "Oh, cool! Guys, this is so amazing! It does so many things!"  
  
"Bender, we know you have a thing for Jean, so you won't leave," Kurt says, watching Ororo with some interest. "Ro-ro, does that do anything... you know... fun?"  
  
"As in, nudge-nudge wink-wink kinky fun? I'm still looking." She taps it on the coffee table and something pops out. "Ha, look, proof beyond reasonable doubt that Daredevil is a pervert!"  
  
Kurt grins. "Toll."  
  
"Yes, I quite agree..."  
  
"Hey, someone put the TV on," Jean says. "I sense an urgent newsflash that will have relevance to us."  
  
"Do you always have to talk like that when you're discussing your powers?" Ororo asks. "And can't you just tell us what it is?" She's still playing with the stick.  
  
"Put it on," Jean repeats.  
  
Kurt reaches over and flips it on with his tail.  
  
"--And Daredevil has been found dead in an alleyway."  
  
"Told you," Jean says proudly.  
  
"Will you go out with me?" Ororo begs.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Not even if I dump Kurt?" Ororo asks pleadingly.  
  
Kurt sighs and huddles over to Katherine's feet.  
  
"Shush, all of you! I want to watch this!" Bender insists, and then looks at Logan. "Why the heck are you wearing Ororo's knickers on your head?"  
  
"How do you know who they belong to?" Kurt says suspiciously.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Just ten minutes ago, a local man was depositing his trash in this dumpster, when he found the body of the superhero known as Daredevil. He called an ambulance, but unluckily he was already dead. First reports suggest he was beat up by someone fairly strong who had an upper hand on this beloved superhero. This man is going to talk randomly because I'm not getting paid for this bit. Here, random man.  
  
"I think this is terrible. We loved Daredevil greatly, and whoever beat him up also stole his cane. A terrible, terrible crime, beating up a blind man for his cane."  
  
"Hey!" Ororo cries. "I might've taken his cane, but I didn't beat him up! That was Kurt!"  
  
"Bwaaaarrrrggghhh!" The guy on the news yells as a large bolt of lightning hits him.  
  
When everyone looks at Ororo, she shrugs and says, "Coincidence."  
  
"Two," says Charlie casually. "Spider-Man, and now Daredevil. It's the only way, team. Kill our way to the top!"  
  
"I'll sleep my way to the top if it helps," Jean offers. "Or like, even if it doesn't, I could still do it, if you want."  
  
"Go out with me, Jean!" Ororo howls frustratedly.  
  
"No, Ororo!"  
  
"Yes, Jean!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Yes! I mean, oh, damn..."  
  
"Ha!" Ororo shrieks delightedly. "You have to go out with me now! Kurt, you're dumped, okay?"  
  
"Okay." He looks casual enough but then he sniffs. Ororo doesn't notice, she's already all over Jean.  
  
"You want to get back together?" Katherine asks, hoping Kurt won't cry.  
  
He smiles. "Yeah, okay."  
  
Bender just stares at them. "Is this normal for you?"  
  
"Says the woman who turns into a man and then back again," Ororo mutters angrily.  
  
"Lucky prat," Rogue mutters.  
  
Bender shows off her mutant power, sliding casually into a man and then back again, and then finally going for left side female and right side male.  
  
"I'm freaked out," Logan admits.  
  
"It looks painful." Rogue winces, knowing all about the pain of going from one gender to the other.  
  
Bender sits cross-legged on the floor, still in her half-and-half form. "It's not. Now. We were watching TV?"  
  
They're just showing random footage of Daredevil doing Daredevil-style things. Flick stick, leap in air, slide down a ramp, swing round a drainpipe, kick man in stripy jumper with "swag" bag in the face, that type of thing.  
  
"Useless idiot," Ororo comments. "We're just as great as him but I bet they wouldn't do it for us if we were dead."  
  
"Only one way to find out!" Charlie cries.  
  
"No suicide, Charlie," Maggie says sternly.  
  
"No, we fake our own deaths!"  
  
"Oh, here we go again," Ororo sighs.  
  
Bender just rolls her eyes. 


End file.
